Just a simple journal today. I met Todd to play golf. I ran into him a few days ago at the bar and he said he was going to play golf and I told him I was going to see if he wanted to play. As we were talking today he was telling me about a rental property he'd purchased. I was thinking about the life he must have lived and I admit I was jealous. Maybe for the material things but once again it's just someone who seems to know how to handle life. He's got a successful business and I know it took a long time for it to come to that but he had the drive. If I just had the drive or direction how different would my life have been? All the advice I've tried to follow hasn't led to the life I want. And that may be a whole other story about what life I want. I have vague pictures. After I ran into him I was thinking I need to start hanging around with him more. I know he has his own life. I just need to be around people who know what they're doing and don't make a habit out of wasting their life.

Someone came over today to look at the Camry I've got for sale. I was a little on guard because I'd put an ad on craigslist and people have been setup and hurt doing that. It went ok though. I got a deposit and am going to hold the car until the balance is paid tomorrow. They tried to haggle but I stood my ground and didn't lower it even a dollar. Progress maybe? So, I'll have enough to pay this month's mortgage payment and have some left over. The next payment will be due in about two weeks so I'll have to be tight with the money until then too.

I've requested to attend a free intro class to jujitsu tomorrow. I hope I have time to complete the car transaction and attend.

I sold the car yesterday. It gave me a much needed infusion of cash. Now I'll be able to pay the mortgage and have some left over. At least I can breathe a little easier now. Hopefully I can get some momentum now and some savings.

As an experiment I'm going to view the world with abundance. I've been living in denial for very long. Denying what I looked and sounded like and wishing to be something else. Setting up an artificial time limit on what my life should look like. I've had an uneasy feeling when I sit down to write. I think it's because I talk about doing things but the follow through isn't always there. I mentioned to Staci today that I was thinking about going to the party in the park and inferring that I'd was seeing if she wanted to go. She didn't say yes or no just mentioned that she'd never heard of the band that was playing. If you never ask you can never be rejected right? Instead I fell asleep on the couch which might have been the best thing. I've been really tired lately and it seems to be focused on my lower body. Whenever I have to bend over to pick something up it takes a lot of effort. Older age maybe but I think it's because I don't get enough proper rest. Maybe the old me is dying. I don't know much about death even though I've wished for it many times. It might not be a bad thing. For instance why would I want to spend time around people that are toxic for me? Looking for approval that I'll never get. Hearing the voices of shame and condemnation in my head. Thinking I should be doing something else with my life. Treating myself the way I would never treat anyone else.

I was driving to the pool supply store today to get a new pool filter valve. On the way there I drove past a pool filter someone had set out on the curb. I turned around to get it and the person who put it out was just getting out of a car. She said she didn't know why it wasn't working but it was mine to take. I made the attempt to give credit to Providence for this. It would have saved me the  money I would have to spend for the new valve. It almost gave me a ray of hope that god might actually care about me and something so trivial. That I needed to replace the pool filter valve and he knew I didn't have a lot of extra money to spend. I brought it home and it didn't fit my existing pool filter. I've considered using the whole filter that I picked up but the lady said it didn't work. I guess the most I'll be out is paying for the sand I'll need to fill it. So I thought if it was serendipity wouldn't the valve have fit my existing filter?

Another possible serendipitous moment happened yesterday. I was at work and someone came in looking for fans. He looked familiar. As he was leaving he said my name and said "hey it's person's name." I had looked on facebook not too long before looking for him and wondering if he had posted anything new. I didn't want to catch up and see how he was doing. I wanted to see how getting older had affected him. I did this because he was one of the more popular kids and school and I've been feeling inadequate as I get older. He'd put on weight and was balding.

My job is physically demanding. It is for me anyway. I have to stand for about eight hours a day. I think to myself that I should get another office job where I can sit at a desk. That is its own special kind of hell though. It's not physically demanding but it is more mentally demanding. Especially during the times when there is busy work to be done. Sitting at a desk and trying to think of something to do. Sure you could take care of some of the non essential tasks but that just leaves a drained feeling. Now with the new job I wish for those days sometimes. I fear I've tried too late to change. The years of abuse I've put my body through seem to be catching up. Not that I was ever a great physical specimen. And I've got plenty of resentment about that as well. I never really felt young and vibrant and I find myself wishing for those days. If there was a way to compare then and now I might be astonished at what was within my power to do then. I've settled into a kind of consistent funk. The time and effort it would take to get into some kind of good physical shape doesn't seem like it's worth it anymore. Then I think of the alternative. Just completely let myself go and fulfill that death wish I've always had. It's never gone away and I've just taken the long road to it instead of getting it done all at once.

I don't look forward to much these days. I talk about moving to another city. Thinking the change will bring some spark back into my life. And then I think about how hard it will be to uproot and move. I did it before when I was a younger man. Being naive probably helped me then. Now I mostly see the possible bad things that could happen. Securing a new home and place to work in an expensive city doesn't sound like an easy task. But then I think, people live there now even if they have to struggle. I think about the benefits to moving. Doing things I did there before but now having a purpose. A purpose to really enjoy and live them.

This writing is difficult.

Why would shame and self doubt increase as the effort to escape increases?

You're afraid of sticking your neck out again.

A lot of my writing is like my thinking. Herky jerky. My life is like that too. No real flow. I start a job and get distracted by another job.

I'm really hungover today. I've been repressing the grief and I've been self medicating with alcohol.

Is there any hope for me?  I guess that's the question I'm really trying to answer.

Could it be that nobody did anything wrong and I'm just trying to create reasons for why my life is not what I want?

Remember I don't have to be the most attractive just the most attractive there.

Random limiting belief - hot girls don't like guys who are depressed. Therefore, hot girls don't like me because I'm depressed and it looks like I have no self confidence.

Writers write and fighters fight. Am I both? Do I want to be both? Can I tell the people I love what I think about them? When you are weak and love is all you have to give....

I gave my love because I thought that was all I had to give.

I drink. I drink a lot. I know it has put me at a disadvantage.

I would like to become a good writer. I've read someplace that some of the greatest works were written to a third or fourth grade level. I've set my sights too high but that was just my ego talking. I wanted to say great words with great impact. But it's like a retard trying to explain the theory of relativity.

It always felt like a fakery. I've tried to use my intelligence as a cover. But I realized I’m a stupid stupid man.

I thought that showing my weakness would make me strong. But it only made me think that other people saw me as weak.

Like Brian Tracy: “Write 3 things that are the most important to you. If you don’t know what, write: MONEY MONEY MONEY”

So I've resolved not to drink on nights I have to be at work the next day. I've also resolved to find a support group or see a therapist. I'm not even sure what kind of group or what kind of therapist I should seek out. I just need someone to help me sort out and organize my thoughts. Get some kind of life plan going. All my attempts thus far have not created the results I want. I'm in a tight financial situation. Not dire but definitely uncomfortable and I spend a good deal of the day thinking about it. I spend too much money on drink. I don't make a lot in the first place and I'm always going into the red. As I previously said I have a debt free date of roughly two years from now. I think that was with conservative figures. If I really tried I could probably be out in one. I haven't had a drink in a couple days and I definitely feel clearer. From what I've heard it can take up to a year for the effects to really wear off. Your mind can fool you into thinking you're sober. I never really considered myself an alcoholic but I've definitely drank to excess for a long time. I might be in denial but I'll suspend judgement on that. I don't crave drinking it's just when I go out I figure there's no point in just having a couple. It's kind of a twisted logic. Alcohol gets you drunk so why would you dabble?

So, maybe I'll just keep this writing as a hobby. Most of it is mundane and I don't really think the label "good" applies to it since I'm just writing about my life and what I think. Would it be "good" if I used more metaphors or imagery to describe what I'm thinking? Is it something to be valued or is it just a means to an end? Will I drop it when I feel I've arrived wherever it is i'm going? 

I think what I crave most when I go out is some sort of connection. That's ironic because I usually don't really want to be around the people that are there. I'm an elitist and most conversations bore me. But I usually never come up with an interesting topic either. As I read back over what I write it's not too bad. I know I need to leave that judgement out if I'm just journaling because there is no goal in journaling. Maybe there should be but for not there isn't. I don't have to worry about making everything sound good.

I laid down to sleep last night and listened to the audio version of No more Mr. Nice Guy. I had a pitcher of beer so I failed on my resolve to not drink on nights before work. It happens. What struck me was the absolute rage I felt upon waking. I don't know about the whole subliminal message thing if that's what you'd call it but I was listening as I was sleeping. Maybe it finally unleashed everything I'd been repressing. Maybe I finally admitted I was a "Nice Guy." And to realize what shame that carries with it. Just so many things clicked and I don't think it's like one of those horoscope things where they are written so vague you can trick yourself into believing it applies to you. Maybe the rage came from being lied to and being subconsciously trained to act a certain way to not rock the boat and please people. To do anything to not feel uncomfortable. It was similar to that same old feeling of humiliation and thinking everyone could see just what a fool you were. How could you be so stupid to believe such a thing and base your life on it?

All the tumblers seemed to fall into place and I finally had something that explained to me why I acted in certain ways. It's hard not to be resentful. It's hard not to think that women are vicious cunts for going along with such a thing. At least I understand it a little better now. And there will be people who will mock you in your calamity. Quite honestly some of the things were very disturbing. It's almost like admitting you are a rapist or a pedophile. But you have to remember that these things were programmed into you at a subconscious level. Just like the This is water speech. An old fish sees two young fish and says "how's the water?" The young fish look at each other and say "what the hell is water?" You can call it the Matrix. I'm sure it's been called many other names. Not sure if Maya applies as that means Illusion but it might fit. So now that I know I've been living in water I can learn how to navigate it. 

I left off a couple days ago because I felt there was no point in writing about the obvious. It was a perfect storm of negligent/feminized upbringing and lack of testosterone that's put me here. I feel like I'm becoming more defined as a human being. I didn't identify with every single characteristic in the book but enough of them hit home to give me some direction. Now that I've got some kind of diagnosis it's time to find the cure. I always had a feeling my mental illness was rooted in lack of testosterone but now I've learned that the underlying script contributed to it also. Things that were in the book are things I've even said before. Basically I learned that it was NOT OK to be me or to be male.

So like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Now that I have some idea where I am I have to decide where to go. Things probably won't change much unless I start taking some hormone supplements or something like that. I can go into therapy to help me deal with the emotional side of things. I'm going to have to learn to deal with all the wasted time and to find the motivation to actually do it.

Right now I'm just killing time until my next paycheck. Most of it is going to be swallowed up by utilities. They've all been past due for months and I can't delay anymore before they get cut off. That's going to keep me in a hole because the first payment of my mortgage agreement is due on the 1st. I won't have the money. What I can hope for is that G follows up and moves in and pays me rent. And even then I'll have to wait until my next paycheck to send in the mortgage payment. Hopefully that will be ok. The paperwork is a little vague. As long as I make the payment in the month I think I'll be ok. I can't worry about it anyway and until I come up with a better idea that is how it will have to be. I know it's my responsibility but I've just come to realize some of the underlying paradigm in my life that's been causing me to do things the way I do. And like I said I can't rely on a hero to come and save me. In a way he already has maybe. Teach a man how to fish... Now that I understand some of the things that have directed my life I just have to go about fixing them. Or at least acknowledging them. I don't necessarily think that I can fix them but at I can be aware and do what I can to stop myself from doing them in the future.

What was my motivation behind selling my truck to that guy who I knew would not make the payments? Why did I let Marcus not pay me any money for the Corvette? These are just two examples but why was I that terrified of confrontation to let money go that was rightfully owed to me? I'm sure there are other cases not involving money. I let the situation with my sister happen because I was afraid to bring it up and have her contribute her fair share. What caused me to be so afraid of conflict?

I wonder how my genes even managed to get passed down. I have no desire to pass on mine. Whether it's from seeing my parents or simply having no desire the line will seem to end with me

What is Greatness?

What is this greatness or mastery that I'm pursuing? I need to define it at least somewhat because if I don't then I won't know when I have it. It will be an ever changing target.

I've been thinking about this all day. I was sitting in the parking lot of Walmart and was wondering if I should document those kind of things just to get perspective. I'd just left the auto parts store and had picked up some drive thru fast food. I sat in the Walmart parking lot eating and thought about these things. For lack of a better term it seemed like a very redneck thing to do. Or at least a lower middle class thing to do. I'd just left the auto parts store, picked up some McDonald's and was eating it in the parking lot of Walmart. Actually it's not even lower middle class. I did some searching and my station in life right now is working class. There are a few differences - mainly just education - but my income puts me in the working class bracket. So, the question is, how do I go from working class to greatness and mastery? First thing to do probably is to pick something to be great at. Like the video I watched about Arnold Schwarzenegger when he said he wanted to find something he could be the best at. He'd tried a few things and then found bodybuilding and decided he could be great. What am I going to choose. And why do I want it?

There are things I learned to believe about myself over the years. These are things I will need to overcome if I'm to make any progress. There are many branches but the root issue is how I value myself. Or more likely how I don't value myself and how I thing others' don't value me. Just as an experiemnet I'll rate myself on various roles and categories.

As a mate/relationship

As a worker/employee

As a friend

Physicality/attractiveness

Intelligence

Common sense

Risk taking

Never say never but I'll say never. I'll put it this way. I feel like I'll never get the golden ticket. Some brilliant idea isn't going to jump into my head and give me the focus on what to do with my life. At my age I shouldn't still be going through this. That's assuming there is a timeline that I'm supposed to follow. If I just ramble on and don't take the time to thing anything I create won't be as good as it could be. But I could also become frozen and over analyze things. I've had to give up just about everything I really wanted in life. I didn't do it willingly. You can say it's all my fault but I didn't know how to stop it. Now I'm in my fourth decade of life and can't find a place to focus my attention. If I could just get rid of these feelings of inadequacy. I keep thinking that anything I decide to do that has any importance is going to take more effort and resources that I just don't have. Now that my mind has seemingly caught up and given me the will to go on the body starts to fail. Getting in peak physical condition is going to be difficult when trying to do so makes aches and pains that linger. One of the only reasons I want to do that is I think it may alleviate some of the negative self image I have. I hate mirrors. Always have. Could never stand what I see. And no matter what I did I could never change my body. Working out. Eating right. Always brought mediocre results. Now it seems my body has stopped responding at all.

as i was driving to work today i didn't feel like i was in control anymore. i can't tell anymore if i can actually have an effect on my own behavior. the more i rail against my seeming inability to change into what i want the more demoralized it makes me. i don't want to accept my fate. i had resolved to quit drinking on nights i had to go to work the next day. i've been unable to do that. once the day is over and i'm sitting at home alone i don't feel like there are many choices. i can watch tv or use the internet or even read a book. but they all seem empty and hollow. so i go out and am surrounded by people that i have no real interest in. in reality i do it on the off chance that i might meet a chick to sleep with. i've tried having higher purposes than these but that's what it always seems to come down to. my success rate with this strategy is very low. to give it a number i'd say 1%. there are several reasons for this. in the first place i don't believe that anyone would be interested in getting to know me or to sleep with me. to put it simply i don't think women find me attractive. that prevents me from even taking the initiative to talk to them. to prevent the rejection that i think will eventually come. i've tried positive thinking. it doesn't seem to help. once i'm out i fall into the same familiar behavior. it probably doesn't help that i believe people are irrational and unpredictable and i can never be sure what is going to happen. it puts me on edge and i can't really relax. i basically just turn myself numb in case anything violent or extreme happens.

i read manosphere blogs and most of the advice boils down to "don't wish it were easier, wish you were better." This enforced optimism carries a hidden payload. If you are not succeeding you have no one to blame but yourself. If you can't pull yourself up by your own bootstraps it is all your fault.

You're either a Toe or a Kick

Animals in suits watching the Earth and monitoring their species? Crazy.

The thing is if I take responsibility for my life it means that I'm in the place I'm in because of what I've done. There's no getting around it. If I leave out luck and chance then it's all my fault. So saying that who would trust me? Whether it was a woman or a job? Are you afraid to change because it will mean that everything before was meaningless? If you moved to some warmer climate and became a writer living a cliche life would that make you happy? Not really having a permanent job or getting a steady paycheck. Living a life of leisure and riding your bike around and maybe living on a boat? How would you even pay for the boat? And anyway is the eventual decay of your body going to make this possible? And what's this obsession lately with sex? Is it because you were never the man you wanted to be? As they say being a man other men want to be like and women want to fuck. And what if Jesus is the answer? They try to cram that in at every opportunity. Do I just not have the stomach or spine for spiritual growth? What's my problem with it? I might have to give up a few things? That's probably it. I've always felt deprived so giving up the little I do have seems to be an obstacle I can't overcome. I don't even know what I'd be giving up though.

Am I going to wear myself down in a menial job because I carry all this baggage and am afraid to be good at something and take it seriously? You can't climb Everest all at once but if you never leave base camp you'll never climb it either.

I've tried to do what you're supposed to. Worked as hard as I could. In my case sometimes it wasn't very hard. Other times it was.

Journal 4/7

Date: 4/7/2015
The Big Events of the Day: 

• Got the ok to be a delivery driver. Started making some pickups and deliveries
• It was opening day yesterday. I don't care about sports.
• 
  

The Goblins in my Head:

• Taxes are due next week
• I'm behind on utilities. Scraping by paycheck to paycheck.
• The camry needs cv joints. I can sell it for some quick cash possibly
• Registration for camry
• Truck insurance payment didn't go through. Late fee and cancellation notice.
• Progress is still too slow for me but I don't know what to do next to make more money.
• 
  

Anything Good to Mention:

• I exercised 3 or 4 times last week.
• Spent time out of the store driving the delivery truck.
• 
  

Plan of action:

• Get adequate rest so I'm not tired at work.
• Call loancare to tell them I accept the offer for the mortgage compromise

Thought of the Day:

Your purpose is to hold long enough to make people think it is possible.

What's more likely? Your mind made up a mythical creature to explain why you exist. Or that there really is a being that wants to punish you?

I think of all the disappointment I've had in my life. You weren't Lorenzo lamas. You didn't become rich and famous. You lost the car of your dreams. You lost all of your possessions. You lost the women that you loved. Cruelly so. You've come to the fork in the road. Continue striving with no guarantee of success or give up and accept the mediocre. Have I picked a goal that is impossible to have?

All my striving didn't prevent me from being right where I didn't want to be. All the effort to change and I couldn't make one hair white or black. You could say it's the sin in me - I don't do what I want and what I don't want I do...

If I trace back my behavior it's a resistance to doing something I don't want to do. Or being blamed for something that wasn't my fault. Where did I learn that life is just about doing things you don't want to?

Joy must be given its due. If I only write about the bad that is the wolf I'll feed. My job is to bring to life those things that are hidden away in my mind. The pictures of how I thought my life would be.

If god could create the world in six days using only his words what can I do in my life?

The only problem with creating the life I want is it's only temporary. If I really want to change my life why don't I ?

The secret thoughts we have about others. Write about it.

Ok you called me a name. Now what? Does that help me?

When I get aroused another emotion is mixed in with it. I'm assuming it's anger and maybe some shame and guilt. That's why I have performance problems. I've got to separate those emotions out to stop it. Might do good to find out where they come from so I can eliminate them.

I'm getting smarter. Whatever I'm doing seems to be working. Just the fact that I recognize it is a good sign. Probably the combination of exercising consistently helps. Also taking my goals seriously and the fact they are based on something higher. I will have to write more about this. Also refine my idea of my ideal self. I think I threw out that paper in a fit of self condemnation.

Journal 4/14/15

It wasn't right that I was made to feel like I was inherently bad as a child. I could have been taught responsibility but there was no need to cripple me with shame and guilt. Those are things no child should experience. It was made worse by the feeling that nobody liked me. Being rejected at such a young age severely affected my ability to function as an adult. And I should take criticism from hypocrites with a grain of salt. It's 3am and I can't sleep. Wondering why the haves and have not each get what they have. I've done plenty wrong in my time. The voices of the past. Who did what to who. Is it all pre destined? Have my evil and good balanced out? Is my worth based on what I do? Maybe I can burn every negative thought from my mind. I don't know what bothers me so much about pushing an ideology. I'm testing my willpower. In every area. Resisting drugs, sex, and alcohol. Maybe not resisting but recognizing a directing the urges into something useful. I truly have to take baby steps because my will is so weak. I was able to jog to a count of 40 tonight without having to stop. This is up from 20 when I started. 

It's also been a couple days since I had a drink. What my goal is here is to live these things and not just write about them. I might discover that im not a superhero but I might discover I'm something better than I thought I was. What if I  literally follow my dreams? Take that vacation that you forgot about. 

Short list of things I accomplished today.

• Trained on order picker
• cut down thorn bush to stump
• removed old cable tv line from outside house
• removed brake lines from safari. master cylinder to control unit and brake line leading to rear
• burned up most of the old stack of wood
• took out trash
• did dishes

My idea of an ideal day

• get up at sunrise
• have some coffee or tea and breakfast
• ease into working out for couple hours
• take care of things on to do list
• write
• practice learning new skill
• 
  

Journal 4/9/15

I wonder when I'll stop feeling invisible. I feel like today was wasted. I was at work and I just kept thinking how long it will take to get out of debt working there. All I could see was years and years of work and barely living paycheck to paycheck. No fun allowed. Then I had to come home and click on some foreign blog talking about how we are all sinners and how we are always annoyed by a guilty conscience. I guess it's a feature and not a bug. It might be hyperbole but the more I think about it the more I've always felt shame and guilt starting as a young child. Now all of my negative emotions are just balled together and I can't tell which is which. Maybe I feel bad because I don't love L like she loves me. It could be that or it could be I've always felt guilty just for being alive. Hard to say. 

So up to this point whether it's creation or evolution I thought about what it took just to make me alive today. The thousands or maybe even billions of years of genetic filtering and events it took to create me. I looked back and thought there must have been at least one badass in my lineage I could look up to. Maybe I felt guilty for thinking that my biological father looked like a goober in his navy induction photo. That's funny. The guy went to war, played semi-pro football, and was a cop for a good many years, then became a carpenter and that's what I think of him. But I didn't see any of that. I saw the guy later in life who on the inside was probably beaten down and ended up drinking most of his life. As long as I've started I may as well tell it all and look like a complete ungrateful asshole. Maybe it would be different if I didn't feel like leftovers to my parents. Not having clean clothes to wear and not being given enough money to eat lunch at school. Being told to make my own lunches. Now I can't even remember if there was anything to make. Maybe there was and I was just lazy. Or maybe it was the fact I never got a good night's sleep since I couldn't breathe out of my nose and it took my parents until I was in junior high or high school to notice something was wrong. Being made fun of at school and never having anyone who wanted to be my friend. Being skinny and awkward and scared. Wishing so much that I had been born to different parents and to have what the other kids had. Maybe a new bike every now and then. Hell a bike period. I'm sure it seems like I'm a spoiled brat who didn't appreciate anything. I can't tell anymore. All that comes back are the negative feelings whenever I think about where I came from. Resenting other people for having talent and money and looks. Wishing I could catch and break and not feeling the need to medicate myself with drugs and alcohol. Feeling like it was all a setup from the beginning. There's no way I couldn't be a bad person or a sinner. God, maybe someone will see this and feel the exact same way.

According to my calculations is will take until August 2017 to be completely free of unsecured debt. This includes credit cards, lawyer fees, taxes, and utilities. Almost two and a half years. By then I'll be 47 years old. You can say, the time's gonna pass anyway right? But what are those two years going to look like? Will I finally be able to get my head above water or will I get dragged down once again into the dark hole of depression? The world is not a sympathetic place. Even if it were I probably wouldn't want any help because I would always be wondering what do they want in return? And before you put in your two cents I'm aware that some people think that what you think of other people is actually what you think of yourself. Am I always thinking of what I can get from other people? I can't say I don't think about it. I wouldn't know what people would say if you asked them that question about me. It's probably not something they would say but in some cases they might. I know I have all kinds of secret thoughts about people. Envious of what they have. They're ugly. They're stupid. I wish I could turn it all off and not have any thoughts about them. Maybe if I could do that I wouldn't think I was such a bad person. 

But you don't know my life! I hear myself saying this to myself all the time. You don't know me, you don't know why I'm like this! I have these imaginary conversations in my head. The things I want to say to people. And then I imagine their response. Then I think of what I think when I hear people complaining about their life. Stop whining. So that's what I tell myself. You made your bed lay in it. But! But! I was neglected! I wasn't loved! Don't you see? How can you be so cruel and tell me to just get over it. You didn't have it that bad there are lots of others who've had it worse. I didn't choose this I say. Yeah, but you chose to drink and drug and waste your money. You decided to chase whores. Chase women who didn't love you. Once you got them if they wanted you you didn't want them. You chose to accept anything you could get whether in was in life or love. Take any job that would have you instead of actually finding something you enjoy. Never having anything you really wanted to do. Having it robbed by thoughts of what's the point I'll never succeed anyway.

So, what have I actually followed up on? While at work today I started thinking that I need to focus on something to get me through the day. Something simple. Something enough to look forward to. You know what it was? I had to replace a burned out parking lamp on my car. That's it. The brake light had burned out on the driver's side and I found a replacement in the garage the other day. When I was replacing the brake light I removed the whole taillight assembly and saw that there was a spot for the marker light. I wasn't sure if the lens was just reflective but I saw the bulb and took it out. It was obviously not working as it had that cloudy look that happens when bulbs burn out. I looked in the glove box of my other car thinking I might have a spare. I did, so I replaced the marker bulb. I couldn't find one for the other side as it was out also so that's what I thought of today to look forward to. Changing a marker bulb on the rear of my car. Possibly one of the most insignificant events in life. But I needed to change it. Just to have something that I could look at and say, "that looks better now that I have the lights working." I will often do that with small things. Things that are in the span of eternity, meaningless. And I'll look back and just look at what I've done. I probably looked at the taillight for five minutes just to see the difference. I don't know if this means anything. It's minutiae. It's even less than minutiae. But it's something I do. Maybe just to have a sense of completion. Or making things whole. Making things work like they should. I carry a list of these things in my mind. Because I think maybe it I get all these little jobs done then I can be happy. There won't be anything left to do and I can finally relax. The thing is there is always something left undone. Some thing go undone for years. I tried to get a title for an abandoned car on my property. Filed papers with the court and everything. They stymied me. Said they didn't have jurisdiction. Dismissed the case. Said I should hire a lawyer and would probably have to file probate. Do I have the money to hire a lawyer? No. Especially for something that on the best day might be worth $5000. It might end up costing that to get a lawyer. So, what should I do? The car is still sitting there.

That's not the real me I tell myself. Those things I did in the past were just what I had to do to survive. Deep down I'm really a superhero. I just got a bad rap and if I could get people to see the real me underneath then things would change. I'm not the sum total of my actions. I'm not what I look like on paper. I had someone say that to me, "you know what you look like on paper." Maybe I do. Maybe despite all my ranting and raving and melancholy I'm just a small little man angry at the world. But maybe I can be something more. Maybe I can make changes and I won't be haunted constantly by the image I think people have of me. The big THEY that are out there. You know who they are. The mysterious THEY that we always compare ourselves to.

I had a dream tonight when I laid down after work to tape a nap. I'd run into my boyhood hero and was trying to get him to hang around so I could find his number and send him a text message so we could hang out later. He was getting more and more impatient as I tried to find the number in my phone and I was getting more and more desperate for him not to leave. I finally found it and sent him a message. He left and I had the impression that he might show up but he made every effort to show that he didn't want to be bothered. Then I was in the water at the beach and there was a ship next to me and some voice was telling me that it was time to let that ship go. It was filled with all the negative stuff. It reminded me of the Titanic. As I was sitting in the water I had a glass in my hand for some reason and was filling it up and pouring it out again and again. As I was doing this I saw another ship and remembered that I had booked a vacation and had forgotten about it. I swam over to the ship and saw people inside mingling at the bar. I went in and for some reason the bar was still part of the ocean and I was wading around. I wanted to get a diet coke but didn't want to stand up because I was only in my underwear. A pair of white boxers. As some point I just said to myself that nobody would care so I stood up and asked the bartender where I could get a diet coke. He pointed to a cooler with cans in it. There were plenty of cokes and there was some beer which when I looked at the label made me kind of laugh to myself but I can't remember what kind of beer it was. I finally found a diet coke and opened it up to drink it. I asked the bartender where the lobby was because I needed to check in for my trip. He started to tell me but said he could check me in right there. For some reason I said no that's ok I can do it in the lobby. Then I thought about it for a minute and said ok I'll just check in here. As I was standing at the bar I looked out the big picture windows and saw Loretta jogging past the bar. Now the water outside had turned to land because she was able to jog on it. As she is jogging past I notice that she was still in very good shape and may have even had a six pack. She was some sort of mix of Angelina Jolie and Loretta. I couldn't tell which was which. As she jogged by she started to stop like she sensed something. She may have seen me in her peripheral vision and the thought made her stop and think. As she peered back into the bar she squinted her eyes and it was a look of recognition. The kind of look you have when your vision can't quite see but you brain knows it's the person you're looking at. She walks over to the bar and now has on a sheer pink gown like some kind of roman. Before she had on jogging clothes. Spandex shorts and top. She says to me "So, your heart is broken?" I reply "So, that's where we're gonna start now?" I can't remember the immediate words after that but then she says something like "so we'll do this when you meet my daughter." I said to her "why would I meet your daughter?" and just looked at her. She had on bubble sunglasses now and we just looked at each other for a few seconds after I asked her that question. Kind of like it was obvious to both of us why I would meet her daughter and me asking her that question just put her on pause. Was it the question of if things were different that could have been my daughter. I think I woke up after that so there would be no meeting. 

Journal 4/7/15

just surviving is not enough. i wish it were. if it was i wouldn't constantly be chasing shadows and the words in my mind. trying to catch them before they escape.

i am/was so angry that it's so hard. my legs and lungs were burning and it was like i was trying to breath through cotton. i had a thought if i could just improve 1% or even a penny's worth a day. penny's worth of more confidence a day. a penny's worth more health. you can't change any horrible thing that happened in the past. Not your's or anyone's and you can't take responsibility for it. listening to angry people angry at the world. i understand the anger but you can't change the world. at best you might be able to change yourself.

The mind is a stupid thing sometimes. It tells you to quit over the simplest things. It tricks you. It tries to tell you that there's no point in continuing. What is hard to realize is that every time you test yourself you get better. The more you test yourself the better you get. You don't have to punish yourself with effort. You don't have to change your entire life at once. Consistence and persistence are what will make the difference. Quote way of superior man here - don't be too lazy but don't punish yourself with extreme effort.

I'm still unhappy. Went to see Staci yesterday and I don't know why I think it will be different. I always seem to end up feeling bad about myself after we get together. Maybe it's her talking about things I have no interest in or her questions that seem like accusations. Or it could be the pointed insults. "I've always thought you were an alcoholic. You're not a good role model." It seems ridiculous to see it written down. Why would I spend time with someone like that. It's very odd, she seems like a genuine nice person but then she'll just say some shit that makes me feel stupid and awkward. She always seems like she knows what she wants to do and always has a plan for everything. And it does seem like she has a condescending and judgmental attitude. The point of this isn't to write about her it's just a starting point for this entry.

So I've been offered a payment agreement for my mortgage to avoid foreclosure. I had her look over what they sent and listened to what she had to say. Pretty much the same story. She thinks I'm paying too much and I'd be better off blah blah. I haven't made the connection yet. If it foreclosed I'd still be responsible for the leftover portion as far as I know. Then I would still have to move and find a place to live. I could probably find somewhere really cheap but that would be like renting a room in a house of somewhere in a bad neighborhood. Seriously I just searched craiglist and there is nothing I would save money on. If I wanted to live in a shitty neighborhood maybe.

Leslie sent me a text saying she loves me. I didn't respond directly. Definitely in an awkward spot. Just like that book the alchemist. Keep putting it off and putting it off. I'm going off to travel and explore and I know I've got this job right now and I just need a little more time and then I'll.....

I live in fairly comfortable surroundings. I've rehabbed the house, new bathroom, new paint, new curtains, a few touch ups here and there. Like I told Staci I could just stay comfortable and give up any chasing windmills. I'm sure the dissatisfaction would return. I have my internet, I'm not starving, no major catastrophes on the horizon. Still behind the 8-ball financially thought. I don't have enough to pay the water bill like I told them I would. The electric company hit me with the whole budget billing balance at once because I haven't paid. I think the trash bill is due again too. My nephew asked me if I was still looking for someone to help with the bills. I told him $450 a month. Interesting side note, when I told Staci and I said I would set up boundaries she turned it around on me and said I should set boundaries for myself so that I wouldn't ruin him. "Drinking and not paying bills isn't a good role model."

Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.

upon waking today i was immediately flooded with thoughts of self doubt. i watch the motivation videos and i believe for a second and then the voice comes in. they are beautiful, they are talented, they had all the breaks. who are you kidding? you are destined to work your menial job until the day you die. it's hard to keep an upbeat attitude when my mind constantly reminds me of my failures. where i came from, who my parents were, etc, etc, etc. combine this with the fact that i have no burning passion to do anything. the only thing that ever comes to mind is selling all my belongings and being debt free and then... what after that? what if i did move to San Diego? transferred to another store there. it's more expensive there. what would i do when i got there? repeat the same pattern i do here? work and get drunk? is that what i want to do? hang out at the bars and try to pick up whatever i can get?

There was an attractive woman at work today. As i imagined talking to her it occurred to me that the very fact of chasing makes you lose. what i mean is it's ok to show interest and approach but if someone isn't interested it's not worth it to distract from your mission for a woman. You have to learn to take the loss. no matter what. if i'm successful and she wants to come along for the ride that's great. but you have to get over the slaying dragons mindset to get the girl. maybe it worked in the past but no more.

and what about the four pillars? am i going to ever write anything for that again? does it make sense to bare myself to the whole world?

Does it bother you years after the fact that those words you spoke haunts the man you spoke them about? The man who loved you? ?Does it make you feel anything? Or were you too busy being a selfish cunt?

I suppose I have an aversion to putting words down on paper. Even if it is virtual paper. Because once those words come out and appear in black and white they can never be taken back.  But maybe everything isn't life and death. How are we to decide? On the one hand we risk taking everything too seriously and on the other not enough. It’s funny I’m so hard on myself for not taking things seriously enough when that is all I ever do. Every decision and the fate of the world hangs in the balance. It’s an overreaction to being carefree. It didn't work out so I feel I have to examine every little fucking decision. I’m angry about that too. Feeling like I never got the benefit of the doubt and every misstep is going to lead to ruin. And to whoever is responsible. Fuck You. Whoever put that idea in my head. Wasting so much time on worry.

I had a dream last night about fucking a dark haired chick and she’d invited another raven haired girl into bed. I felt like it was a trap and if I showed interest in the other girl she would have disapproved. Thinking about it now what was I really afraid of? Being set up? Someone lays a trap for you and you have to take it?

What are the advantages of having melancholy? What are the disadvantages?

To take your life seriously and joyfully at the same time. How?

As a question to ponder. Does my attitude prevent women from messaging me on the dating sites. Or is it just that they don’t message many people at all? Something interesting to think about. 

it is a gross and horrible business. no one wants anything to do with you. you wish you could change it. who would want a corpse as their companion? especially if you are young and vibrant.

Musings

I have serious doubts I can handle this red pill game. Did gbfm have it right? Is there any way to combine red pill and scripture? The stumbling block is my Romantic side. I want to believe one will love me unconditionally. It runs through my head. If I had only.... The Savior Schema – the male expectation of reciprocation of intimacy (usually sexual) for problems solved. Flip it around. Sex first then performance. The “treatment,” in those cases, has the same goal, the cessation of pain. Whether by avoiding it outright and seeking pleasure or glorifying the lack of any Emotional response, the person can longer tolerate negative stimuli. The constant is that the reality outside of the person no longer has any place in their World view except as something to be avoided. No matter who doesn't want you there is always someone out there who does. It's not hard to figure out why there is so much fantasy in the world. Who really has it good? Of course it's my own experience but it doesn't take much of a Look around to see there is plenty of misery to go around. I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you leave them. When I think about the past I have feelings about it but don't know what They are. I guess every situation is different but an event came to mind. Last time I was visiting San Diego I was supposed to meet up with an attractive Blond chick that I’d met on Myspace. I bought some new clothes which actually didn't fit very well. Pants were too tight and so was the shirt. I don't think I had nice shoes. I was staying in a hotel room that I couldn’t' afford and that was also when bev wrote a check for cable from my checking account and left Me with no money. I actually ended up sleeping in an alley one night. No fucking plan whatsoever. Daniel complained I smoked all his cigarettes. How did I Even make it out there? So I go to meet the chick after changing at the hotel and she kept being vague in her texts. We had agreed to meet at a certain spot but then she kept being Evasive. Finally she said she was out with some guy. I said to her why she didn’t just say that instead of having me run around trying to find her. I think me Actually saw her at the last place I went. Her response was I didn't have a right to be mad because I hadn't lost anything. I was taken aback at the Bluntness of it. I don't think I’d ever quite experienced something like that. I didn't really know how to feel about it. Getting mad wouldn't do anything. I’m still puzzled by it. I guess that's how things are in the big city. This was a few years ago too and the world has only seemed to get more coarse. I Should ask for opinions about it. You’ll just end up alone! The voices shouted to him. He'd remembered everything. They all kept telling him to forget the ones he'd loved. They’d forgotten Him so turnabout was fair play right? He didn't know how to deal with the people who had forgotten him. And the ones whom he had forgotten. What would you do if you didn't need anybody? He felt affection for all these people. But something didn't add up. It was true. Words were cheap. He’d tried To give currency to his words. That they meant something. To say he'd meant it at the time was a cheapening of them. He meant it but didn't know how to show It. when too many dollars are created it cheapens their value. He had fever blisters on his lips. It was because he had to sell himself to the story. He had an aborted child. It didn't make him feel sad, it was just a fact of life. Remember the dark haired girl you asked out in the jewelry store? You were wearing a t-shirt with a vertical American flag with you silver cross hanging Around your neck. Your arms were pumped and full of vigor. She was dark and I don't even remember if you actually went out. Years later. He smoked his American Spirits. Light blue pack. You might call them teal. It all only existed as a story in his head. With every word poured Out it was just an attempt to make people listen. He'd listened to so many peoples stories. He’d heard them all and lived them all. Once that happens what do You do? Resign yourself to the cycle? Anything to be interesting! But if the stories had all been told what could he add? When we are young most of us wish and fantasize about growing up. We want to be adults because it seems so mesmerizing. Wanting to know what death feels like Is a similar experience. For a lot of us though the reality of being an adult has not lived up to our expectations. The reasons for this are many and too Numerous for me to even begin to unravel. What if death is the same? We want something before we know what it entails. Maybe adult lives that are not lived To the fullest are not the mean. That is to say, perhaps as children we see and know the potential of adulthood but for whatever reason it is not fulfilled. That does not mean it is not true. Because remember, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom Of heaven." On the face of it, it seems ridiculous. Why are we born and grow into adulthood if the point is to remain children?

Journal 3/17/2015

Date: 3/17/2015
The Big Events of the Day: 

• Went to the urgent care to get drug tested and physical for delivery job.
• Bought some groceries to make chili.
• It's St. Patrick's Day.

The Goblins in my Head:

• The whole day was about work. Started at 5:30am and worked til 2:30pm. Took a nap when I got home and dreamt about stocking shelves at work. Got up and went to get the drug test.
• Sent documents to EBT and put the woman's purse I found into a mailbox to have it sent back to her.
• Foreclosure is looming over my head.
• Taxes are coming up.

Plan of action:

• Get adequate rest so I'm not tired at work.
• Follow up with driver training so I can make more money.

Thought of the Day: "Be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." 

During my dream when I was taking a nap after work I also dreamt about living in San Diego and apparently living with roommates. I think they were women. I wanted to go to Cass St. bar and grill and maybe Lahaina's. They thought I was foolish for wanting to drive drunk. I wasn't drunk I was just in that state of mind in dreams when you are really tired and it seems the same. I also apparently had entered a woman's body. I looked in the mirror and saw a woman looking back at me. I was blonde and attractive. I wondered to myself if people would treat me different. It also occurred to me that I was projecting the image of a woman and if I didn't keep up the mental energy my real self would show. I guess it was my way of telling myself that I am jealous of the attention women get if they are attractive. I'd like to know how that feels.

Saw a woman at the grocery store and got distracted. I couldn't get a good look at her face but even in her sweatpants and shirt I was attracted to her. Her body wasn't tight and firm but the way she moved my hind-brain told me she'd probably be a good fuck. Now if I can someday build up the nerve to talk to some real life women again maybe I won't just have to fantasize about them. 

It bothered me today that the whole day was about work. Other than cooking and shopping I really didn't have any time to myself. I don't know why I'm dreaming about work. It's happened a few times recently. I don't hate my job. In fact it's pretty easy as long as I get enough sleep. I don't like getting up at 4:30 in the morning however. I don't want that to be what my whole life is about. Working so I can simply keep working and existing. 

I thought about getting a tattoo. Maybe on my left forearm with the words "Be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." Wise council. It is easy to be too naive but you also do not want to be evil.

Anti-Valentine's Day Playlist

You love her but she loves him
And he loves somebody else you just can't win
And so it goes till the day you die
This thing they call love it's gonna make you cry

   

Journal March 3, 2015

If the only point of the story is to tell you how stupid you are what is the point of that? We
All know how stupid we are. To drill it into our heads again and again serves no purpose.

So I dreamt about L. How pathetic am I? Must the world continue to tell me this? I had a dream of being with my beautiful lover. Ha-ha joke's on you mother fucker.

"In its simplicity this speaks volumes about the condition of Men. It accurately
Expresses a pervasive nihilism that Men must either confront and accept, or be driven insane
In denial for the rest of their lives when they fail to come to terms with the
Disillusionment.

Women are incapable of loving men in a way that a man idealizes is possible, in a way he
Thinks she should be capable of."

First rule: make them feel good.
Questions to ask. Sounds like a covert contract. Trap of the nice guy. Why did she leave? Did
I not make her feel good or did she simply find a better offer? If she found a better offer
Does that mean I am less of a man? My mind tells me yes.

Why do I hesitate to talk to beautiful women? Because they are used to men fawning over them.
We’ll stick with logic for a bit.

Next question. Where does my unhappiness stem from?

I still have to continue to practice. If I am to become a great writer it is necessary. I can't remember the first time I said "if other people don't compliment you, compliment yourself."

Don’t deal with fucking psychos. Had drinks with Amy and she flipped out when I said having a tattoo saying serenity was gay.

I overhear conversations. Yoli cuts people down if they aren't in the cool clique. High school shit. But we all still do it.

Saying you want to be great is embarrassing. I act like I’m so above other people and it's just because I want what they have. I have no shame in saying it right now because I’ve turned off the emotions for a bit and am simply writing from a logical point of view.

How many drunk texts have I sent over the years? How many have I received? It tells a story. Always the one looking outside for validation. Yeah it's embarrassing. Plenty of haters will jump on it. The modern vernacular is so.....simple.

A curse on both your houses!