Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.

upon waking today i was immediately flooded with thoughts of self doubt. i watch the motivation videos and i believe for a second and then the voice comes in. they are beautiful, they are talented, they had all the breaks. who are you kidding? you are destined to work your menial job until the day you die. it's hard to keep an upbeat attitude when my mind constantly reminds me of my failures. where i came from, who my parents were, etc, etc, etc. combine this with the fact that i have no burning passion to do anything. the only thing that ever comes to mind is selling all my belongings and being debt free and then... what after that? what if i did move to San Diego? transferred to another store there. it's more expensive there. what would i do when i got there? repeat the same pattern i do here? work and get drunk? is that what i want to do? hang out at the bars and try to pick up whatever i can get?

There was an attractive woman at work today. As i imagined talking to her it occurred to me that the very fact of chasing makes you lose. what i mean is it's ok to show interest and approach but if someone isn't interested it's not worth it to distract from your mission for a woman. You have to learn to take the loss. no matter what. if i'm successful and she wants to come along for the ride that's great. but you have to get over the slaying dragons mindset to get the girl. maybe it worked in the past but no more.

and what about the four pillars? am i going to ever write anything for that again? does it make sense to bare myself to the whole world?

Does it bother you years after the fact that those words you spoke haunts the man you spoke them about? The man who loved you? ?Does it make you feel anything? Or were you too busy being a selfish cunt?

I suppose I have an aversion to putting words down on paper. Even if it is virtual paper. Because once those words come out and appear in black and white they can never be taken back.  But maybe everything isn't life and death. How are we to decide? On the one hand we risk taking everything too seriously and on the other not enough. It’s funny I’m so hard on myself for not taking things seriously enough when that is all I ever do. Every decision and the fate of the world hangs in the balance. It’s an overreaction to being carefree. It didn't work out so I feel I have to examine every little fucking decision. I’m angry about that too. Feeling like I never got the benefit of the doubt and every misstep is going to lead to ruin. And to whoever is responsible. Fuck You. Whoever put that idea in my head. Wasting so much time on worry.

I had a dream last night about fucking a dark haired chick and she’d invited another raven haired girl into bed. I felt like it was a trap and if I showed interest in the other girl she would have disapproved. Thinking about it now what was I really afraid of? Being set up? Someone lays a trap for you and you have to take it?

What are the advantages of having melancholy? What are the disadvantages?

To take your life seriously and joyfully at the same time. How?

As a question to ponder. Does my attitude prevent women from messaging me on the dating sites. Or is it just that they don’t message many people at all? Something interesting to think about. 

it is a gross and horrible business. no one wants anything to do with you. you wish you could change it. who would want a corpse as their companion? especially if you are young and vibrant.