just surviving is not enough. i wish it were. if it was i wouldn't constantly be chasing shadows and the words in my mind. trying to catch them before they escape.
i am/was so angry that it's so hard. my legs and lungs were burning and it was like i was trying to breath through cotton. i had a thought if i could just improve 1% or even a penny's worth a day. penny's worth of more confidence a day. a penny's worth more health. you can't change any horrible thing that happened in the past. Not your's or anyone's and you can't take responsibility for it. listening to angry people angry at the world. i understand the anger but you can't change the world. at best you might be able to change yourself.
The mind is a stupid thing sometimes. It tells you to quit over the simplest things. It tricks you. It tries to tell you that there's no point in continuing. What is hard to realize is that every time you test yourself you get better. The more you test yourself the better you get. You don't have to punish yourself with effort. You don't have to change your entire life at once. Consistence and persistence are what will make the difference. Quote way of superior man here - don't be too lazy but don't punish yourself with extreme effort.
I'm still unhappy. Went to see Staci yesterday and I don't know why I think it will be different. I always seem to end up feeling bad about myself after we get together. Maybe it's her talking about things I have no interest in or her questions that seem like accusations. Or it could be the pointed insults. "I've always thought you were an alcoholic. You're not a good role model." It seems ridiculous to see it written down. Why would I spend time with someone like that. It's very odd, she seems like a genuine nice person but then she'll just say some shit that makes me feel stupid and awkward. She always seems like she knows what she wants to do and always has a plan for everything. And it does seem like she has a condescending and judgmental attitude. The point of this isn't to write about her it's just a starting point for this entry.
So I've been offered a payment agreement for my mortgage to avoid foreclosure. I had her look over what they sent and listened to what she had to say. Pretty much the same story. She thinks I'm paying too much and I'd be better off blah blah. I haven't made the connection yet. If it foreclosed I'd still be responsible for the leftover portion as far as I know. Then I would still have to move and find a place to live. I could probably find somewhere really cheap but that would be like renting a room in a house of somewhere in a bad neighborhood. Seriously I just searched craiglist and there is nothing I would save money on. If I wanted to live in a shitty neighborhood maybe.
Leslie sent me a text saying she loves me. I didn't respond directly. Definitely in an awkward spot. Just like that book the alchemist. Keep putting it off and putting it off. I'm going off to travel and explore and I know I've got this job right now and I just need a little more time and then I'll.....
I live in fairly comfortable surroundings. I've rehabbed the house, new bathroom, new paint, new curtains, a few touch ups here and there. Like I told Staci I could just stay comfortable and give up any chasing windmills. I'm sure the dissatisfaction would return. I have my internet, I'm not starving, no major catastrophes on the horizon. Still behind the 8-ball financially thought. I don't have enough to pay the water bill like I told them I would. The electric company hit me with the whole budget billing balance at once because I haven't paid. I think the trash bill is due again too. My nephew asked me if I was still looking for someone to help with the bills. I told him $450 a month. Interesting side note, when I told Staci and I said I would set up boundaries she turned it around on me and said I should set boundaries for myself so that I wouldn't ruin him. "Drinking and not paying bills isn't a good role model."
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