Musings

I have serious doubts I can handle this red pill game. Did gbfm have it right? Is there any way to combine red pill and scripture? The stumbling block is my Romantic side. I want to believe one will love me unconditionally. It runs through my head. If I had only.... The Savior Schema – the male expectation of reciprocation of intimacy (usually sexual) for problems solved. Flip it around. Sex first then performance. The “treatment,” in those cases, has the same goal, the cessation of pain. Whether by avoiding it outright and seeking pleasure or glorifying the lack of any Emotional response, the person can longer tolerate negative stimuli. The constant is that the reality outside of the person no longer has any place in their World view except as something to be avoided. No matter who doesn't want you there is always someone out there who does. It's not hard to figure out why there is so much fantasy in the world. Who really has it good? Of course it's my own experience but it doesn't take much of a Look around to see there is plenty of misery to go around. I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you leave them. When I think about the past I have feelings about it but don't know what They are. I guess every situation is different but an event came to mind. Last time I was visiting San Diego I was supposed to meet up with an attractive Blond chick that I’d met on Myspace. I bought some new clothes which actually didn't fit very well. Pants were too tight and so was the shirt. I don't think I had nice shoes. I was staying in a hotel room that I couldn’t' afford and that was also when bev wrote a check for cable from my checking account and left Me with no money. I actually ended up sleeping in an alley one night. No fucking plan whatsoever. Daniel complained I smoked all his cigarettes. How did I Even make it out there? So I go to meet the chick after changing at the hotel and she kept being vague in her texts. We had agreed to meet at a certain spot but then she kept being Evasive. Finally she said she was out with some guy. I said to her why she didn’t just say that instead of having me run around trying to find her. I think me Actually saw her at the last place I went. Her response was I didn't have a right to be mad because I hadn't lost anything. I was taken aback at the Bluntness of it. I don't think I’d ever quite experienced something like that. I didn't really know how to feel about it. Getting mad wouldn't do anything. I’m still puzzled by it. I guess that's how things are in the big city. This was a few years ago too and the world has only seemed to get more coarse. I Should ask for opinions about it. You’ll just end up alone! The voices shouted to him. He'd remembered everything. They all kept telling him to forget the ones he'd loved. They’d forgotten Him so turnabout was fair play right? He didn't know how to deal with the people who had forgotten him. And the ones whom he had forgotten. What would you do if you didn't need anybody? He felt affection for all these people. But something didn't add up. It was true. Words were cheap. He’d tried To give currency to his words. That they meant something. To say he'd meant it at the time was a cheapening of them. He meant it but didn't know how to show It. when too many dollars are created it cheapens their value. He had fever blisters on his lips. It was because he had to sell himself to the story. He had an aborted child. It didn't make him feel sad, it was just a fact of life. Remember the dark haired girl you asked out in the jewelry store? You were wearing a t-shirt with a vertical American flag with you silver cross hanging Around your neck. Your arms were pumped and full of vigor. She was dark and I don't even remember if you actually went out. Years later. He smoked his American Spirits. Light blue pack. You might call them teal. It all only existed as a story in his head. With every word poured Out it was just an attempt to make people listen. He'd listened to so many peoples stories. He’d heard them all and lived them all. Once that happens what do You do? Resign yourself to the cycle? Anything to be interesting! But if the stories had all been told what could he add? When we are young most of us wish and fantasize about growing up. We want to be adults because it seems so mesmerizing. Wanting to know what death feels like Is a similar experience. For a lot of us though the reality of being an adult has not lived up to our expectations. The reasons for this are many and too Numerous for me to even begin to unravel. What if death is the same? We want something before we know what it entails. Maybe adult lives that are not lived To the fullest are not the mean. That is to say, perhaps as children we see and know the potential of adulthood but for whatever reason it is not fulfilled. That does not mean it is not true. Because remember, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom Of heaven." On the face of it, it seems ridiculous. Why are we born and grow into adulthood if the point is to remain children?