Journal 4/14/15

It wasn't right that I was made to feel like I was inherently bad as a child. I could have been taught responsibility but there was no need to cripple me with shame and guilt. Those are things no child should experience. It was made worse by the feeling that nobody liked me. Being rejected at such a young age severely affected my ability to function as an adult. And I should take criticism from hypocrites with a grain of salt. It's 3am and I can't sleep. Wondering why the haves and have not each get what they have. I've done plenty wrong in my time. The voices of the past. Who did what to who. Is it all pre destined? Have my evil and good balanced out? Is my worth based on what I do? Maybe I can burn every negative thought from my mind. I don't know what bothers me so much about pushing an ideology. I'm testing my willpower. In every area. Resisting drugs, sex, and alcohol. Maybe not resisting but recognizing a directing the urges into something useful. I truly have to take baby steps because my will is so weak. I was able to jog to a count of 40 tonight without having to stop. This is up from 20 when I started. 

It's also been a couple days since I had a drink. What my goal is here is to live these things and not just write about them. I might discover that im not a superhero but I might discover I'm something better than I thought I was. What if I  literally follow my dreams? Take that vacation that you forgot about. 

Short list of things I accomplished today.

• Trained on order picker
• cut down thorn bush to stump
• removed old cable tv line from outside house
• removed brake lines from safari. master cylinder to control unit and brake line leading to rear
• burned up most of the old stack of wood
• took out trash
• did dishes

My idea of an ideal day

• get up at sunrise
• have some coffee or tea and breakfast
• ease into working out for couple hours
• take care of things on to do list
• write
• practice learning new skill
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