as i was driving to work today i didn't feel like i was in control anymore. i can't tell anymore if i can actually have an effect on my own behavior. the more i rail against my seeming inability to change into what i want the more demoralized it makes me. i don't want to accept my fate. i had resolved to quit drinking on nights i had to go to work the next day. i've been unable to do that. once the day is over and i'm sitting at home alone i don't feel like there are many choices. i can watch tv or use the internet or even read a book. but they all seem empty and hollow. so i go out and am surrounded by people that i have no real interest in. in reality i do it on the off chance that i might meet a chick to sleep with. i've tried having higher purposes than these but that's what it always seems to come down to. my success rate with this strategy is very low. to give it a number i'd say 1%. there are several reasons for this. in the first place i don't believe that anyone would be interested in getting to know me or to sleep with me. to put it simply i don't think women find me attractive. that prevents me from even taking the initiative to talk to them. to prevent the rejection that i think will eventually come. i've tried positive thinking. it doesn't seem to help. once i'm out i fall into the same familiar behavior. it probably doesn't help that i believe people are irrational and unpredictable and i can never be sure what is going to happen. it puts me on edge and i can't really relax. i basically just turn myself numb in case anything violent or extreme happens.

i read manosphere blogs and most of the advice boils down to "don't wish it were easier, wish you were better." This enforced optimism carries a hidden payload. If you are not succeeding you have no one to blame but yourself. If you can't pull yourself up by your own bootstraps it is all your fault.