Just a simple journal today. I met Todd to play golf. I ran into him a few days ago at the bar and he said he was going to play golf and I told him I was going to see if he wanted to play. As we were talking today he was telling me about a rental property he'd purchased. I was thinking about the life he must have lived and I admit I was jealous. Maybe for the material things but once again it's just someone who seems to know how to handle life. He's got a successful business and I know it took a long time for it to come to that but he had the drive. If I just had the drive or direction how different would my life have been? All the advice I've tried to follow hasn't led to the life I want. And that may be a whole other story about what life I want. I have vague pictures. After I ran into him I was thinking I need to start hanging around with him more. I know he has his own life. I just need to be around people who know what they're doing and don't make a habit out of wasting their life.

Someone came over today to look at the Camry I've got for sale. I was a little on guard because I'd put an ad on craigslist and people have been setup and hurt doing that. It went ok though. I got a deposit and am going to hold the car until the balance is paid tomorrow. They tried to haggle but I stood my ground and didn't lower it even a dollar. Progress maybe? So, I'll have enough to pay this month's mortgage payment and have some left over. The next payment will be due in about two weeks so I'll have to be tight with the money until then too.

I've requested to attend a free intro class to jujitsu tomorrow. I hope I have time to complete the car transaction and attend.

I sold the car yesterday. It gave me a much needed infusion of cash. Now I'll be able to pay the mortgage and have some left over. At least I can breathe a little easier now. Hopefully I can get some momentum now and some savings.

As an experiment I'm going to view the world with abundance. I've been living in denial for very long. Denying what I looked and sounded like and wishing to be something else. Setting up an artificial time limit on what my life should look like. I've had an uneasy feeling when I sit down to write. I think it's because I talk about doing things but the follow through isn't always there. I mentioned to Staci today that I was thinking about going to the party in the park and inferring that I'd was seeing if she wanted to go. She didn't say yes or no just mentioned that she'd never heard of the band that was playing. If you never ask you can never be rejected right? Instead I fell asleep on the couch which might have been the best thing. I've been really tired lately and it seems to be focused on my lower body. Whenever I have to bend over to pick something up it takes a lot of effort. Older age maybe but I think it's because I don't get enough proper rest. Maybe the old me is dying. I don't know much about death even though I've wished for it many times. It might not be a bad thing. For instance why would I want to spend time around people that are toxic for me? Looking for approval that I'll never get. Hearing the voices of shame and condemnation in my head. Thinking I should be doing something else with my life. Treating myself the way I would never treat anyone else.

I was driving to the pool supply store today to get a new pool filter valve. On the way there I drove past a pool filter someone had set out on the curb. I turned around to get it and the person who put it out was just getting out of a car. She said she didn't know why it wasn't working but it was mine to take. I made the attempt to give credit to Providence for this. It would have saved me the  money I would have to spend for the new valve. It almost gave me a ray of hope that god might actually care about me and something so trivial. That I needed to replace the pool filter valve and he knew I didn't have a lot of extra money to spend. I brought it home and it didn't fit my existing pool filter. I've considered using the whole filter that I picked up but the lady said it didn't work. I guess the most I'll be out is paying for the sand I'll need to fill it. So I thought if it was serendipity wouldn't the valve have fit my existing filter?

Another possible serendipitous moment happened yesterday. I was at work and someone came in looking for fans. He looked familiar. As he was leaving he said my name and said "hey it's person's name." I had looked on facebook not too long before looking for him and wondering if he had posted anything new. I didn't want to catch up and see how he was doing. I wanted to see how getting older had affected him. I did this because he was one of the more popular kids and school and I've been feeling inadequate as I get older. He'd put on weight and was balding.

My job is physically demanding. It is for me anyway. I have to stand for about eight hours a day. I think to myself that I should get another office job where I can sit at a desk. That is its own special kind of hell though. It's not physically demanding but it is more mentally demanding. Especially during the times when there is busy work to be done. Sitting at a desk and trying to think of something to do. Sure you could take care of some of the non essential tasks but that just leaves a drained feeling. Now with the new job I wish for those days sometimes. I fear I've tried too late to change. The years of abuse I've put my body through seem to be catching up. Not that I was ever a great physical specimen. And I've got plenty of resentment about that as well. I never really felt young and vibrant and I find myself wishing for those days. If there was a way to compare then and now I might be astonished at what was within my power to do then. I've settled into a kind of consistent funk. The time and effort it would take to get into some kind of good physical shape doesn't seem like it's worth it anymore. Then I think of the alternative. Just completely let myself go and fulfill that death wish I've always had. It's never gone away and I've just taken the long road to it instead of getting it done all at once.

I don't look forward to much these days. I talk about moving to another city. Thinking the change will bring some spark back into my life. And then I think about how hard it will be to uproot and move. I did it before when I was a younger man. Being naive probably helped me then. Now I mostly see the possible bad things that could happen. Securing a new home and place to work in an expensive city doesn't sound like an easy task. But then I think, people live there now even if they have to struggle. I think about the benefits to moving. Doing things I did there before but now having a purpose. A purpose to really enjoy and live them.