This writing is difficult.

Why would shame and self doubt increase as the effort to escape increases?

You're afraid of sticking your neck out again.

A lot of my writing is like my thinking. Herky jerky. My life is like that too. No real flow. I start a job and get distracted by another job.

I'm really hungover today. I've been repressing the grief and I've been self medicating with alcohol.

Is there any hope for me?  I guess that's the question I'm really trying to answer.

Could it be that nobody did anything wrong and I'm just trying to create reasons for why my life is not what I want?

Remember I don't have to be the most attractive just the most attractive there.

Random limiting belief - hot girls don't like guys who are depressed. Therefore, hot girls don't like me because I'm depressed and it looks like I have no self confidence.

Writers write and fighters fight. Am I both? Do I want to be both? Can I tell the people I love what I think about them? When you are weak and love is all you have to give....

I gave my love because I thought that was all I had to give.

I drink. I drink a lot. I know it has put me at a disadvantage.

I would like to become a good writer. I've read someplace that some of the greatest works were written to a third or fourth grade level. I've set my sights too high but that was just my ego talking. I wanted to say great words with great impact. But it's like a retard trying to explain the theory of relativity.

It always felt like a fakery. I've tried to use my intelligence as a cover. But I realized I’m a stupid stupid man.

I thought that showing my weakness would make me strong. But it only made me think that other people saw me as weak.

Like Brian Tracy: “Write 3 things that are the most important to you. If you don’t know what, write: MONEY MONEY MONEY”

So I've resolved not to drink on nights I have to be at work the next day. I've also resolved to find a support group or see a therapist. I'm not even sure what kind of group or what kind of therapist I should seek out. I just need someone to help me sort out and organize my thoughts. Get some kind of life plan going. All my attempts thus far have not created the results I want. I'm in a tight financial situation. Not dire but definitely uncomfortable and I spend a good deal of the day thinking about it. I spend too much money on drink. I don't make a lot in the first place and I'm always going into the red. As I previously said I have a debt free date of roughly two years from now. I think that was with conservative figures. If I really tried I could probably be out in one. I haven't had a drink in a couple days and I definitely feel clearer. From what I've heard it can take up to a year for the effects to really wear off. Your mind can fool you into thinking you're sober. I never really considered myself an alcoholic but I've definitely drank to excess for a long time. I might be in denial but I'll suspend judgement on that. I don't crave drinking it's just when I go out I figure there's no point in just having a couple. It's kind of a twisted logic. Alcohol gets you drunk so why would you dabble?

So, maybe I'll just keep this writing as a hobby. Most of it is mundane and I don't really think the label "good" applies to it since I'm just writing about my life and what I think. Would it be "good" if I used more metaphors or imagery to describe what I'm thinking? Is it something to be valued or is it just a means to an end? Will I drop it when I feel I've arrived wherever it is i'm going? 

I think what I crave most when I go out is some sort of connection. That's ironic because I usually don't really want to be around the people that are there. I'm an elitist and most conversations bore me. But I usually never come up with an interesting topic either. As I read back over what I write it's not too bad. I know I need to leave that judgement out if I'm just journaling because there is no goal in journaling. Maybe there should be but for not there isn't. I don't have to worry about making everything sound good.

I laid down to sleep last night and listened to the audio version of No more Mr. Nice Guy. I had a pitcher of beer so I failed on my resolve to not drink on nights before work. It happens. What struck me was the absolute rage I felt upon waking. I don't know about the whole subliminal message thing if that's what you'd call it but I was listening as I was sleeping. Maybe it finally unleashed everything I'd been repressing. Maybe I finally admitted I was a "Nice Guy." And to realize what shame that carries with it. Just so many things clicked and I don't think it's like one of those horoscope things where they are written so vague you can trick yourself into believing it applies to you. Maybe the rage came from being lied to and being subconsciously trained to act a certain way to not rock the boat and please people. To do anything to not feel uncomfortable. It was similar to that same old feeling of humiliation and thinking everyone could see just what a fool you were. How could you be so stupid to believe such a thing and base your life on it?

All the tumblers seemed to fall into place and I finally had something that explained to me why I acted in certain ways. It's hard not to be resentful. It's hard not to think that women are vicious cunts for going along with such a thing. At least I understand it a little better now. And there will be people who will mock you in your calamity. Quite honestly some of the things were very disturbing. It's almost like admitting you are a rapist or a pedophile. But you have to remember that these things were programmed into you at a subconscious level. Just like the This is water speech. An old fish sees two young fish and says "how's the water?" The young fish look at each other and say "what the hell is water?" You can call it the Matrix. I'm sure it's been called many other names. Not sure if Maya applies as that means Illusion but it might fit. So now that I know I've been living in water I can learn how to navigate it. 

I left off a couple days ago because I felt there was no point in writing about the obvious. It was a perfect storm of negligent/feminized upbringing and lack of testosterone that's put me here. I feel like I'm becoming more defined as a human being. I didn't identify with every single characteristic in the book but enough of them hit home to give me some direction. Now that I've got some kind of diagnosis it's time to find the cure. I always had a feeling my mental illness was rooted in lack of testosterone but now I've learned that the underlying script contributed to it also. Things that were in the book are things I've even said before. Basically I learned that it was NOT OK to be me or to be male.

So like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Now that I have some idea where I am I have to decide where to go. Things probably won't change much unless I start taking some hormone supplements or something like that. I can go into therapy to help me deal with the emotional side of things. I'm going to have to learn to deal with all the wasted time and to find the motivation to actually do it.

Right now I'm just killing time until my next paycheck. Most of it is going to be swallowed up by utilities. They've all been past due for months and I can't delay anymore before they get cut off. That's going to keep me in a hole because the first payment of my mortgage agreement is due on the 1st. I won't have the money. What I can hope for is that G follows up and moves in and pays me rent. And even then I'll have to wait until my next paycheck to send in the mortgage payment. Hopefully that will be ok. The paperwork is a little vague. As long as I make the payment in the month I think I'll be ok. I can't worry about it anyway and until I come up with a better idea that is how it will have to be. I know it's my responsibility but I've just come to realize some of the underlying paradigm in my life that's been causing me to do things the way I do. And like I said I can't rely on a hero to come and save me. In a way he already has maybe. Teach a man how to fish... Now that I understand some of the things that have directed my life I just have to go about fixing them. Or at least acknowledging them. I don't necessarily think that I can fix them but at I can be aware and do what I can to stop myself from doing them in the future.

What was my motivation behind selling my truck to that guy who I knew would not make the payments? Why did I let Marcus not pay me any money for the Corvette? These are just two examples but why was I that terrified of confrontation to let money go that was rightfully owed to me? I'm sure there are other cases not involving money. I let the situation with my sister happen because I was afraid to bring it up and have her contribute her fair share. What caused me to be so afraid of conflict?

I wonder how my genes even managed to get passed down. I have no desire to pass on mine. Whether it's from seeing my parents or simply having no desire the line will seem to end with me