Fuck that bitch called Fate

The writing has become about the exercise now. Time to collect all the notes I've written down in various places.

There is always another tribe to join.

If there was a fighter in him he would have to decide for himself.

He needed a mission, a purpose. He couldn't function in the real world with real challenges. He fancied himself an intellectual but was just a dumb hillbilly. He wondered if other people felt as stupid as he did when he talked. He could never get around to making a point. He was embarrassed to show people how really empty he was inside. He thought he was basically just animated flesh.

“You are a little soul carrying about a corpse, as Epictetus used to say.” 

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

It was relatively easy to become physically strong what he was working on now was becoming mentally strong. He could always build his body but if his mind couldn't take it anymore he was simply wasting his time. It was mental weakness that had caused his problems in the first place. They may not have been his fault but it was up to him now to take charge and heal himself. He'd always tried to hide his pain for all kinds of reasons. Mainly because he felt responsible for all of it. He could never tell where his responsibility ended so he just took all of it. So the circumstances of his life was his mirror and from that picture he just assumed he was no damn good. Now that he had turned on the faucet it all came flooding out and there was no order at all to it. He feared revealing too much but it wasn't his problem anymore. He knew there might be hell to pay but it was better than going back. 

With every step he got closer. The problem was he had to face every ugly part of himself. If you had the chance to know the truth would you take it? Even knowing that you might not make it back and not knowing what would happen? He didn't know which horse was winning. Was he going mad or was it just a tunnel to the light?

What is intelligence ? Is it knowing a lot of facts? Does smart mean winning jeopardy? Was the middle east still a thing? In a way he felt he was creating his own madness. Any intelligence he had had only been borrowed. If you asked him to come up with an original idea or to make an argument for something he couldn't do it. He could probably tell you something he'd heard about it from somebody else but he wasn't sure if he even had an opinion of his own.

You wanted to destroy something beautiful. That's some red pill stuff. Women just have a desire to tear you down. 

Remember when the Indian biker said you were good people.

It is more important to be good than to be right.

A man has to have his own idea of heaven. Something to strive for. He must have his private training and his public training.

Sometimes we don't pick the reasons the reasons pick us.

I'm looking for the right combination of beauty and power. 

The cliche was those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it.

I have to believe that being naked is worth it.

You know what you have to do. Do it. Do it. Thought attracts that on which it is directed.

The songs have all been written, the words have all been sung. I hang on to you in memories. 

Extract the best from yourself. 

So how long am I going to punish myself? It was only a failure if it was a competition. My mind is trying to compensate for what I perceive as the diminishing amount of time and the fact that I can't deal with the reality of what happened.  I estimate I don't follow through on 80-90% of the ideas and plans I have. 

I am successful in everything I do

If I know what I don't want use that to define what I want.

Boundless energy. Time to read and study to learn new things. Physical fitness. Financial abundance. Orderly life. 

Don't fear small beginnings. Make them want what you have.  Don't be a bottom feeder. I am not afraid to die for my beliefs. I believe I will go deeper than anyone ever has. A live dog is better than a dead lion.  Remember, it is all a mental game. 

Use what you can. Discard the rest. 

You have to believe you are in hell if you want to change your life. Anything less will make you complacent. 

I've been acting my whole life. Never really had any identity of my own so I just made one up. Feeling definitely not a saint. 

Hieu quang. Recitation of Buddha.

The overarching theme of my writing will be can a man choose his fate?

Maybe the search for alien intelligence comes from the fact that we might be all there is and that thought is terrifying because of how fucked up we can be as a human species.

Money is my slave not my master.

I was thinking today about the day I bought the intruder and how much has changed since that day. What was my frame of mind and what was I thinking?

You're trying to see the view from the mountain top but you're stuck in the valley and you can't find a path up the hill. When they say that like the difference between night and day they are right. Being alpha is like being able to tell the future. You lead and don't follow.  Strength is born in adversity.

To strip away everything pleasurable and get to the very simplest necessities.

He had recurring dreams about being in high school again but he was his current age. For some reason he had to repeat high school the last night when he dreamed you said I'm a senior.

It sounded so hipsterish mentioning the books he'd read and how that made him so smart. There wasn't any way of getting around it though so it would have to do until he found a better way. He'd wished there was a way to expunge things from your record. He'd built an image of himself. It had been built on pain and rejection. He knew there were  many dark paths he could go down. But they were all silly. It was just something to make them important. They just couldn't stand being invisible. Not many people could stand being invisible or unimportant. Once somebody knows who you are you can never say that wasn't me. He didn't believe in ideologies. Once you picked one you were tied down. 

A good reputation us like fine silver. Choose wisely.

"Not caring is a valuable reputation to have but be wary of neglecting your reputation. If you don’t care how others perceive you they will simply create a reputation for you. Remember reputation is like a treasure, value and protect it at all costs"

No matter how good the sex is if they treat you like shit they are not worth your time

Add financial pillar and combine mental/emotional pillar. 

Even if you think depression is a choice there is obviously something wrong with that way of thinking. What organism voluntarily kills itself?  You would think the years would remove the pain. Some days it's as fresh as ever.

Fuck that bitch called fate. Six month break from sex thoughts. Yeah It's shit but It's all I've got right now. Meditate/write two hours a day.

Journal Feb 18th, 2015

I've read that using pen and paper to journal has a more significant effect but I'm going to forgo it this time because sometimes writing by hand is too slow and I miss some things. Someone I've been dating got upset on V day because they planned a surprise and I wasn't available. She accused me of not having feelings for her. It's more complicated than that but I probably don't have the feelings she's talking about. I felt bad because I'm just doing to her what was done to me and so on and so on.

You love her but she loves him.
And he loves somebody else you just can't win.
And so it goes till the day you die.
This thing they call love it's gonna make you cry.

I started the new job last week. It will do. Things aren't getting better. Saw myself on the video monitors at work. Just disgusting. Millenia from now will these words still exist? The Old Book says "Say not thou, What is the cause that the former days were better than these? for thou dost not enquire wisely concerning this."

It's funny that she said "I don't have a chance with all the hot chicks hitting on you." I had to laugh at that. It's not even close to being true.

I hate thinking of all the foolish things I've done. I carry that weight around all the time and the memories invade my mind. Listening to sermons just adds to the guilt. You should do this and be this. I think of all the people I've left and wishing I could tell them how I feel.

If I said I was living Plan B it probably wouldn't be true because I never really had a Plan A. By the time I get it right - if I ever do - will it be worth it? I can't even seem to do the things I want to do. I'll just attempt to do one thing at a time. First thing I'll do is pay off all my unsecured debt. It's a few thousand and I can do it in a few months. I've heard it's a great feeling to be debt free. Maybe. If I'm not happy otherwise will it make a difference? The only thing it will change is the fact that I won't have to work as much. Not that I work much now but maybe having one less thing might make it better. Monk mode I've heard it called. By the time I get everything right the opportunities might be gone. I drift around thinking about some girl I want to contact or some such nonsense. I stop myself because it will just be like the current thing. She might get attached and I'll have to slowly pull away. Or thinking about the ones that I really wanted and knowing I'll never have them. Is this seriously all that life is?

Be grateful for what you have I've heard them say. I feel guilty even about this. I don't really believe God wants me to be happy. Or at the very least that my happiness isn't important. The pursuit of happiness is even in the constitution but that doesn't mean it's approved by God. Why do I have these thoughts?

My first instinct was to feel bad about myself because she was disappointed. The cognitive dissonance that occurred from resisting that was stressful.

Journal Feb 16th, 2015

The only way to conquer it was to go through it. It had become an online confessional. Every bad thought and bad action was being exposed. If he revealed everything he would have no where to hide. He wouldn't try to deny it any more. The wolf you feed will be the one that grows. The thought occurred to him that he was only pointing out the obvious.

He got a call the other day from the employer who had offered him a job. He got worried that they were going to rescind the offer because of either a failed drug test or a mark on his record from the background check. He braced himself for the call back. He called and the hiring manager was off that day. He called back the next day and he was in a meeting. He left a message but didn't get a call back. He called a couple hours later and finally reached him. When he answered the phone he asked me if he had offered me a job. He'd forgotten after doing several interview I thought. I said yes you offered me a job and I was supposed to start Monday. He asked if I could come in Saturday instead. I said yes. All that worry over nothing. But it taught me a lesson. You should always have Plan B. Maybe that wasn't a good way to put it. You should always be able to adapt when things don't go as planned. Have several options. Diversify as it were.

why are you doing this? it's not even real. you just want people to feel sorry for you. and what if he did get over it? would that mean that he had just made it all up? was everything they said true? was he just looking for attention and this was the only way he knew how to get it?

Equal parts force of will and equal parts of letting go. He is going to expose every one of those negative thoughts in his head. They wouldn't be allowed to hide. It wasn't so he could feel bad about himself or to get pity. It was to crush those thoughts. Slay them like dragons. They were not welcome any more in his mind. He was tired from drinking the night before and staying up late to write. Sleep hadn't been restful so he was feeling it now.

One by one he would eliminate them. He wouldn't deny what he felt anymore. He'd changed in a way that he didn't necessarily like. He wanted more and he was going to stop apologizing for it. The only way to change what he didn't like was to embrace it and assimilate it. Swallow it whole and spit it out. He would simply dilute it until it no longer existed. He would embrace his masculine energy and gain his manhood. Or regain it if he ever had it. No more shame from Mother.

He'd helped a girl while at work today. She was kind of cute. He'd checked out her ass and thought to himself yeah I'd like to sleep with her.

Journal Feb 6th, 2015

I'm a fat disgusting pig. I don't even really eat that much. Probably under 3000 calories a day. My metabolism sucks. My mood is usually mild to severe depression. I've spent the past few days getting my affairs in order. I managed to get a new job and I've been working out every day for about the past week. I'm accepting more responsibility for my choices and have also acknowledged some things aren't my fault. I've accepted my depression not as an identity but just something that I need to manage. Trying to act like it wasn't there was not helping me to heal. I'm feeling a little sickly today. Went out drinking last night but I accept responsibility for that too. It's neither good nor bad but I can predict what will happen if I do so I go into it knowing what will follow.

Journal Feb 5th, 2015

every time i sit down to write a voice in my head tells me this is a stupid endeavor. it's very hard to create something of value when almost every minute of the day the critic in my head takes every opportunity to shoot everything down.

the hidden world of the subconscious

i just had a frightening experience. it was like the scene in american werewolf in london. one minute i'm sitting here and the next this paralyzing fear overtook me and it was like the door to my subconscious had opened while i was awake. maybe like pandora's box but fragments of dreams that i've had started popping into my conscious mind. it could be compared to your life flashing before your eyes before you die. Things i'd forgot i'd forgotten. scary things. i actually screamed out just like david naughton's character in the movie.

i've been forcing myself to listen to christian radio stations. what is that thing called that happens to you when you can't accept reality? i'm not talking about denial. it's a horrific existence. i wonder why i haven't been killed yet. i'm no more worthy than any other human being but some of them die horrible deaths.

he was getting scared now. he felt like one of those characters on a tv show that always felt misunderstood and the cops would just look at with scorn. he couldn't be turning into one of those people. that would just be too terrifying. The sane people of the world don't know how good they've got it. insanity is horrible and knowing you are insane carries a burden that most people can't fathom.

Journal January 29th 2015

What if his response had been I don't care if you love me or not and not shame?

Some thoughts are like that sleight of hand video with the basketball players and the guy in the gorilla suit walks by unnoticed. They pass by just under your awareness. They might be valuable.

You have to build the substance of a man from the inside out.

He couldn't keep everything he'd seen in his head any longer. He had to get it out and make sense of it. He couldn't empathize with people anymore if he even could before. There was simply no connection. He could listen to their words and try to understand but inside he often wished they would just go away. Not sure if that's a bad thing or not.

He just didn't care about them any more. He felt he'd given too much and wasn't going to do it any more. He'd help but he wasn't sacrificing himself any more. He had to tell someone so he chose to tell everyone.

His parents were like neighbors you'd see every now and then. They seemed like nice people but any time spent together always eventually became uncomfortable.

It was time to grow up and not in the way people usually think. It wasn't time to take on more responsibility it was time to let some things go. Drop the baggage that wasn't his and the problems that weren't his to fix.

It seemed he always was holding something back. Maybe it was after his first heartbreak. Maybe earlier he wasn't sure. Always wanting more and never quite knowing how to get it.

Midway

He'd made his choices for love and now you're gonna go back and tell him that he really didn't? All he'd wanted was a chance. Maybe he'd made himself one but he didn't know how to use it. All he could gather from this is that he chose to love the wrong person. And it had made him sick. Sicker than he had ever been. He kept making the same mistake. Now here he was no better off than when he started.

"Midway on our life's journey, I found myself

In dark woods, the right road lost. To tell

About those woods is hard--so tangled and rough"

Journal Jan 25

I've been on the dating sites recently. I send out one line introductions. I look at it like this, most women won't respond even if you read their profile and put thought into your message. I send them a message asking to meet for a drink. It's possible I'd get more responses by crafting every message but I don't want to spend a lot of time on it and I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I've also started another website at https://corrochio.wordpress.com/ and if anyone happens to stumble across it from this journal I'd be surprised. I write semi-anonymously and it wouldn't be hard to find out who I am if anyone put effort into it. That being said I'm trying to find ways to monetize the other site. I only have a few posts and I'm not certain on the direction I want to take but I've started. I've got an interview tomorrow for a new job and I hope it goes well. I want to build multiple streams of income so if something falls apart it won't take down the whole structure. I'll be using this site for random thoughts and working out ideas for the other one. I may even use some of the material on the other site if it looks good after I write it here.

Getting back to the dating sites. I've been burnt. Severely. I send out messages despite the brick wall that I face every time I do. Waking up from the matrix still. There is a tremendous apprehension towards rejection. It became part of my DNA just because of past experiences. I have these irrational fears of people mocking me for wanting to improve my situation.

Some ideas for making income:

• Computer/Network repair onsite/remote
• handyman
• ebooks
• investing
• selling how to on things i've done and pitfalls to avoid. Remodeling house, co-ownership, etc.
• 
  

Journal Jan 22nd, 2015

It was like one of those reel to reel players. It just played on a continuous loop the same thing day after day

He resigned himself to getting a crappy job to pay his bills. He couldn't stop telling himself that he'd never be successful. Never rising above mediocrity. 

The thing is it would never be like it never happened. The whole universe could pass away and it would never wipe away what happened. And he had to live with that every day of his life. He was still working on making his writing not sound so clumsy. He'd finally found that word to describe how he felt about it. At one time he'd attempted to read the dictionary from A-Z. He might have made it to avocado.

He simply couldn't deal with a life where someone that you loved showed complete indifference. Throughout all recorded history people have tried to find the meaning of life. One of the top contenders almost always mentioned was love. If that didn't exist for the individual what truly was the point. No matter what he tried to find to explain it away it always remained. Preachers, teachers, nor prophets had he found the answer. It truly was all vanity but that was the only thing that really seemed to matter.

He was so tired of being a loser. What would the 70 year old version of himself tell him if he could? He's made a list of things he didn't like about himself. He couldn't grow a beard. His jawline wasn't defined enough. He could never get rid of that last 20 or so pounds of fat. He couldn't count the times he had felt revulsion when looking at himself in the mirror. He wasn't hung like a horse.

Maybe the first thing he would tell his is he would have to work his way through the suck. If he was going to be good at anything he would probably suck at it really hard at first. But he could keep practicing and the suck would get less and less. He'd probably tell him too that he would have to learn to be able to deal with the suck of other people. Other people could be really, really shitty. And they wouldn't give a fuck about being shitty. Some of them would actually enjoy it.

When you work at a church as he had, you are constantly told you need a savior. You can't do it yourself they tell you. That might be fine and dandy but over time it simply reinforces learned helplessness. The more you try and fail the more the pattern is solidified. You begin to believe that you can't do it yourself. If you could that would remove the whole point of the church. If you could actually be independent and take care of yourself a lot of institutions in society would crumble. 

He was lucky if there was an hour a day that he didn't feel like a failure. there was no way he could take credit for any of his success but it was damn clear that he wouldn't get off not taking responsibility for his failures. Any success he had didn't belong to him it belonged to God. At least that's the script in his head told him. And there were plenty of people to reinforce all those scripts.

Maybe now people would understand this is what he dealt with on a daily basis. All this advice to just change the way you think was useless. He’d been trying to think differently his whole life. To improve himself.  

The only reason he had begun writing is because he felt so rejected and discarded. He was afraid he was past his prime and wasn't employable in any meaningful way. He figured there wasn't any way he was going to be the million dollar man so he might as well write even if it was a failure. He had two written rejections for job applications and some didn't even bother to write back.

The whole reason he'd left his hometown was because he wanted to be better. He didn't want to be mediocre. But even though he had left town he couldn't leave behind his self image. He’d been used to rejection and feeling small. 

He was now trying to find all those things hidden away in his mind. He'd done the math of all the years he'd been alive. Down to the second. Approximately

1,436,486,400 seconds
23,941,440 minutes
399,024 hours
16,626 days
2375 weeks

He did the calculation because he wanted to find some kind of meaning in the time. How often do you really sit down and think about it? What had he done during that time? Of all that time how much could he actually remember? Which one of those ticks of the clock had changed his life the most? How many of them were almost exactly the same? He was also trying to find out how to make the time that followed have some impact.

"Most of the men who've expressed a genuine anger with me aren't angry with women, but rather they’re angry with themselves for having been blind to the Game that they’d been a part of for so long in their blue-pill ignorance. They’re angry that they hadn't figured it out sooner."

He was angry. Not only because of the programming. He was also angry at his genetics and whatever had made him a sniveling wreck. He'd tried to man-up and that only intensified the feeling. It was an infinite loop. Real Men didn't need to man up. They just had something innate that he didn't have. All his efforts just kept reinforcing the cycle over and over. 

"It’s easy for women and blue-pill men to discourage a Man from red-pill self-improvement by convincing him he’ll turn into an angry Jerk who no woman would want to get with, but the truth is that learning Game isn't the positively life altering revelation it is because it begins from a root anger. It’s successful because Men have a motivation to move past the anger or despondency that comes from a better understanding of the hows and whys of the feminine. They want a better life for themselves and the women they engage with. Whether that means upping a guy’s notch count or finding a woman worthy of his attentions and provisioning for monogamy, Men realize that their betterment with women and themselves doesn't begin with anger, or hate, or crazy."

At this point my mindset is truly crippling. If you’ve read any of my writing you can probably tell how everything just loops back to the same problem. The way I act is affected by the way I think and the way I think affects how I act. They reinforce each other in this whirlpool of my life.

““Women go from being chased to having to do the chasing . . . then what?”

Then things return to normal.”

Funny how that fundamental thought just occurred to me recently. Even though it works. I’ve had women tell me that I didn’t seem to know anything about women because I wasn’t buying them drink or I was making them chase me. At first it seemed womanly because I had put myself in their place and even though I was clumsy at it and it was coming from a place of anger and hurt I was making them do the chasing. I don’t know if this is normal but I would get angry and pissed asking myself “why aren’t’ these women talking to me?” to me it was obvious that I didn’t have what the other guys had so of course the women weren’t going to chase me. The problem with that was I’d have a lot of resentment and when I would talk to them and get the cold shoulder it would just make me shut down even more. And now I’m at a point in my life where I keep telling myself it’s too late. Just like the song Glory Days
“Glory days well they'll pass you by

Glory days in the wink of a young girl's eye

Glory days, glory days.”

It feels embarrassing to admit all this stuff after all these years. I keep trying to change but fear that I am damaged at such a fundamental level that everything I do is just swallowed up by my dysfunction. 

And I don’t know what the average man’s notch count is but I have a feeling if you looked at it mine wasn’t that bad. Not that it’s an indicator of anything save for the fact that I actually did have the ability to get laid. I’m even having regular sex with a woman now but these nagging feelings of whatever you want to call it still plague me. I think back to those days and think what did I do then that is repeatable? And I don’t know about you but it was either feast or famine. When I was good I was good and when I wasn’t it was like a black hole.

The thing is he knew he could improve himself. Even if he just looked at himself in the past he knew he wasn’t beyond hope. He just couldn’t get over this mental hurdle. He’d seen a psychologist and the psychologist tried to tell him what he was. Of course the psychologist could only go by what he had told him but it was an incomplete picture. How do you summarize over four decades of existence? He tried to get him to get out and do things but it was the cart before the horse. If the fundamental problem wasn’t solved all the action in the world wasn’t going to help. He wasn’t even sure of that either. He’d tried some of the doctor’s suggestions but he couldn’t catch any traction.

I almost fucked a chick at a funeral once. I used to work at a church and they had funerals there on occasion. This was during a post breakup period where I was intensely angry all the time. So angry that I felt someone had poured concrete into my chest cavity and turned everything inside to stone.  I don’t even know if angry is a good enough word for it. I was outside having a smoke near the chapel where they held the funerals. It was a couple hours before the funeral and there was a woman outside waiting. I didn’t know her but I notice her pretty much right away because her tits were practically hanging out of her blouse. She was wearing a low cut top that was teal and purple as far as I remember. Like I said her tits were showing and they looked really good to me.  I’m standing by myself smoking and she comes over and stands next to me. I don’t even think she was smoking. For some reason I was particularly tuned into people’s behavior. Who knows it may have all been in my head but this is my feeling. I could tell she wanted me to talk to her. I didn’t say anything for a minute or two because remember I was at one of the angriest moments of my life. After the couple minutes I went ahead and said hello. Another thing I suppose the anger was helpful because also at this point I did not care about making people uncomfortable so I could have stood there in awkward silence and not said a word.

So I said hello and I think I asked why she was there and what her name was. I think she said robin. I think she said something about having a bad day because of the funeral and I think I replied with “yeah those seem to be going around” referring to bad days. Hindsight 20/20 and all that but we spoke a little more and she asked why I was there or something. I said I worked there. I don’t think she said anything after that.

Now the reason I’ve told all these details is because as soon as she walked up to me and I said hello I knew I could have probably taken her inside to a broom closet and fucked her. I could see the way her neck and chest were flushed when a woman gets excited. I’m sure the stress of the funeral added to her emotional state but there I was at work, at a church, talking to a woman at a funeral, knowing I could have taken her and she would have gone willingly.

I was also under extreme pressure at the time. My job was going to shit. I hated working there and every day was like a knife in my chest. I had this opportunity to fuck this chick and I’m at work and she’s attending a funeral. Now looking back you might say why didn’t you just get her number or something? I knew I had to leave this job but I wasn’t ready to yet because of financial issues. So I basically had to let go a sure thing so that I couldn’t be accused of doing anything inappropriate and losing my job before I was ready. And believe me I don’t know if any of you have ever been in this spot but this was on of those what might be called Jerry McGuire moments. I wasn’t trying to make any kind of noble gesture I was just so fed up with everything that I could have fucked this girl at my job and just thrown everything in the trash.

I did eventually leave that job and yes it was a missed opportunity. I didn’t pass it up for any noble cause. I would have fucked that girl and not felt bad about it one bit. Somehow I managed to get thru that day but I do have regrets about it. I probably could have left the job sooner. I probably could have done some things differently. Only thing I can do now is use that experience for good.

Now I’m afraid that forty plus years of repressed anger has drained my energy to do anything useful. I can’t seem to get my batteries recharged. All the standard advice I can’t seem to do. Work out, eat right, rest. There comes a point when a battery is used up and nothing you do can make it useful again. That’s where I am…

Everyone probably has blind spots and can be used. It’s the blind spots that make us angry.


“It ended after not too long but it was very cathartic for me. It established clearly that I had SMV, even though I did not know of the idea, outside of my marriage and that boosted my self esteem immeasurably. It made me realize that by collapsing myself into my marriage and not “looking at data” outside my marriage I was short changing myself greatly. I was no prize at that point, but all of a sudden I knew I warranted a lot more attention then I had been getting at home. Sure enough my confidence went up and it had positive effects at home, sadly, short lived. It did give me a great sense of agency as well. I thought to myself I do not simply have to accept the situation I am in, I have choices, they may be hard, but I am not without options.”

His mind was on overtime again. The past 36 hours had some pain. He'd messaged an ex after he'd been out drinking. He'd had a lot to drink because he'd almost gotten over her but after he got home she was on his mind and he broke down. Her response was "who is this?" He'd been deleted from her phone and her life. After he told her who it was she did an lol on him. There was no hint of regret from her.

As he sat watching the Sunday morning televangelists he thought about the things he would have to do in the coming week. As the preacher talked about the second coming he thought about what he was going to say when he called the mortgage company. He didn't know if God thought about him but he just had the feeling he'd been jerked around his whole life. Like the failed relationships. Why had the only women he'd loved not loved him in return? To him it was always a chicken and egg ordeal. If he loved them he was afraid of losing them and so he wouldn't know how to act which in turn may have turned them off. Who knows.

"So why’d you give me all them tests if you was never passing me?" When he wrote it down it felt like he was losing ground. He wondered when the scales would be in his favor. He felt he'd been working in the red since the day he was born.

He had a friend who was now an airline pilot. His friend had always know what he wanted to do with his life. He asked himself why did some people have it and some didn't?

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with him? He couldn't be happy for anyone. There is a lot of shit out there but is it that hard to find something good and not be cynical about everything?

Self exploration is never easy.

"Self exploration is never easy. If you're open to the idea in the first place, willing to take on and tackle head-first what you believe in, what you think of to be true, your own beliefs and ideals, thoughts and concepts, then I believe you're a step ahead of a lot of people already. If then you take all of those ideas and belief systems and put them on paper, in an effort to really discover what you are, and potentially further down the line, have some sort of impact, then that's another step ahead, of a lot of people. A push to better yourself, to self-actualize and commit to something through a process of deep thought, exploration, analysis and discovery. It's all good stuff, and it brings out sides of your personality you thought you never had.

I know, it's a situation I'm currently in the middle of, it's a voyage I am currently undertaking and it's a twisted beast that's unrelenting and fascinating at the same time.

And in light of this blogs theme, some could say I am on a technologically fueled hedonistic quest of the highest order. Using my ability to add to, to research, to share and discover new parts of my being through a social media, my EEEp and a WIFI or 3G connection. A quest of self discovery, literary desire and technological competence to incite change in myself and with hope of possessing hearts and minds of others down the line."