Journal Feb 18th, 2015

I've read that using pen and paper to journal has a more significant effect but I'm going to forgo it this time because sometimes writing by hand is too slow and I miss some things. Someone I've been dating got upset on V day because they planned a surprise and I wasn't available. She accused me of not having feelings for her. It's more complicated than that but I probably don't have the feelings she's talking about. I felt bad because I'm just doing to her what was done to me and so on and so on.

You love her but she loves him.
And he loves somebody else you just can't win.
And so it goes till the day you die.
This thing they call love it's gonna make you cry.

I started the new job last week. It will do. Things aren't getting better. Saw myself on the video monitors at work. Just disgusting. Millenia from now will these words still exist? The Old Book says "Say not thou, What is the cause that the former days were better than these? for thou dost not enquire wisely concerning this."

It's funny that she said "I don't have a chance with all the hot chicks hitting on you." I had to laugh at that. It's not even close to being true.

I hate thinking of all the foolish things I've done. I carry that weight around all the time and the memories invade my mind. Listening to sermons just adds to the guilt. You should do this and be this. I think of all the people I've left and wishing I could tell them how I feel.

If I said I was living Plan B it probably wouldn't be true because I never really had a Plan A. By the time I get it right - if I ever do - will it be worth it? I can't even seem to do the things I want to do. I'll just attempt to do one thing at a time. First thing I'll do is pay off all my unsecured debt. It's a few thousand and I can do it in a few months. I've heard it's a great feeling to be debt free. Maybe. If I'm not happy otherwise will it make a difference? The only thing it will change is the fact that I won't have to work as much. Not that I work much now but maybe having one less thing might make it better. Monk mode I've heard it called. By the time I get everything right the opportunities might be gone. I drift around thinking about some girl I want to contact or some such nonsense. I stop myself because it will just be like the current thing. She might get attached and I'll have to slowly pull away. Or thinking about the ones that I really wanted and knowing I'll never have them. Is this seriously all that life is?

Be grateful for what you have I've heard them say. I feel guilty even about this. I don't really believe God wants me to be happy. Or at the very least that my happiness isn't important. The pursuit of happiness is even in the constitution but that doesn't mean it's approved by God. Why do I have these thoughts?

My first instinct was to feel bad about myself because she was disappointed. The cognitive dissonance that occurred from resisting that was stressful.