Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Fuck that bitch called Fate

The writing has become about the exercise now. Time to collect all the notes I've written down in various places.

There is always another tribe to join.

If there was a fighter in him he would have to decide for himself.

He needed a mission, a purpose. He couldn't function in the real world with real challenges. He fancied himself an intellectual but was just a dumb hillbilly. He wondered if other people felt as stupid as he did when he talked. He could never get around to making a point. He was embarrassed to show people how really empty he was inside. He thought he was basically just animated flesh.

“You are a little soul carrying about a corpse, as Epictetus used to say.” 

It was relatively easy to become physically strong what he was working on now was becoming mentally strong. He could always build his body but if his mind couldn't take it anymore he was simply wasting his time. It was mental weakness that had caused his problems in the first place. They may not have been his fault but it was up to him now to take charge and heal himself. He'd always tried to hide his pain for all kinds of reasons. Mainly because he felt responsible for all of it. He could never tell where his responsibility ended so he just took all of it. So the circumstances of his life was his mirror and from that picture he just assumed he was no damn good. Now that he had turned on the faucet it all came flooding out and there was no order at all to it. He feared revealing too much but it wasn't his problem anymore. He knew there might be hell to pay but it was better than going back. 

With every step he got closer. The problem was he had to face every ugly part of himself. If you had the chance to know the truth would you take it? Even knowing that you might not make it back and not knowing what would happen? He didn't know which horse was winning. Was he going mad or was it just a tunnel to the light?

What is intelligence ? Is it knowing a lot of facts? Does smart mean winning jeopardy? Was the middle east still a thing? In a way he felt he was creating his own madness. Any intelligence he had had only been borrowed. If you asked him to come up with an original idea or to make an argument for something he couldn't do it. He could probably tell you something he'd heard about it from somebody else but he wasn't sure if he even had an opinion of his own.

You wanted to destroy something beautiful. That's some red pill stuff. Women just have a desire to tear you down. 

Remember when the Indian biker said you were good people.

It is more important to be good than to be right.

A man has to have his own idea of heaven. Something to strive for. He must have his private training and his public training.

Sometimes we don't pick the reasons the reasons pick us.

I'm looking for the right combination of beauty and power. 

The cliche was those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it.

I have to believe that being naked is worth it.

You know what you have to do. Do it. Do it. Thought attracts that on which it is directed.

The songs have all been written, the words have all been sung. I hang on to you in memories. 

Extract the best from yourself. 

So how long am I going to punish myself? It was only a failure if it was a competition. My mind is trying to compensate for what I perceive as the diminishing amount of time and the fact that I can't deal with the reality of what happened.  I estimate I don't follow through on 80-90% of the ideas and plans I have. 

I am successful in everything I do

If I know what I don't want use that to define what I want.
Boundless energy. Time to read and study to learn new things. Physical fitness. Financial abundance. Orderly life. 

Don't fear small beginnings. Make them want what you have.  Don't be a bottom feeder. I am not afraid to die for my beliefs. I believe I will go deeper than anyone ever has. A live dog is better than a dead lion.  Remember, it is all a mental game. 

Use what you can. Discard the rest. 

You have to believe you are in hell if you want to change your life. Anything less will make you complacent. 

I've been acting my whole life. Never really had any identity of my own so I just made one up. Feeling definitely not a saint. 

Hieu quang. Recitation of Buddha.

The overarching theme of my writing will be can a man choose his fate?

Maybe the search for alien intelligence comes from the fact that we might be all there is and that thought is terrifying because of how fucked up we can be as a human species.

Money is my slave not my master.

I was thinking today about the day I bought the intruder and how much has changed since that day. What was my frame of mind and what was I thinking?

You're trying to see the view from the mountain top but you're stuck in the valley and you can't find a path up the hill. When they say that like the difference between night and day they are right. Being alpha is like being able to tell the future. You lead and don't follow.  Strength is born in adversity.

To strip away everything pleasurable and get to the very simplest necessities.

He had recurring dreams about being in high school again but he was his current age. For some reason he had to repeat high school the last night when he dreamed you said I'm a senior.

It sounded so hipsterish mentioning the books he'd read and how that made him so smart. There wasn't any way of getting around it though so it would have to do until he found a better way. He'd wished there was a way to expunge things from your record. He'd built an image of himself. It had been built on pain and rejection. He knew there were  many dark paths he could go down. But they were all silly. It was just something to make them important. They just couldn't stand being invisible. Not many people could stand being invisible or unimportant. Once somebody knows who you are you can never say that wasn't me. He didn't believe in ideologies. Once you picked one you were tied down. 

A good reputation us like fine silver. Choose wisely.

"Not caring is a valuable reputation to have but be wary of neglecting your reputation. If you don’t care how others perceive you they will simply create a reputation for you. Remember reputation is like a treasure, value and protect it at all costs"

No matter how good the sex is if they treat you like shit they are not worth your time

Add financial pillar and combine mental/emotional pillar. 

Even if you think depression is a choice there is obviously something wrong with that way of thinking. What organism voluntarily kills itself?  You would think the years would remove the pain. Some days it's as fresh as ever.

Fuck that bitch called fate. Six month break from sex thoughts. Yeah It's shit but It's all I've got right now. Meditate/write two hours a day.

No comments: