Just a simple journal today. I met Todd to play golf. I ran into him a few days ago at the bar and he said he was going to play golf and I told him I was going to see if he wanted to play. As we were talking today he was telling me about a rental property he'd purchased. I was thinking about the life he must have lived and I admit I was jealous. Maybe for the material things but once again it's just someone who seems to know how to handle life. He's got a successful business and I know it took a long time for it to come to that but he had the drive. If I just had the drive or direction how different would my life have been? All the advice I've tried to follow hasn't led to the life I want. And that may be a whole other story about what life I want. I have vague pictures. After I ran into him I was thinking I need to start hanging around with him more. I know he has his own life. I just need to be around people who know what they're doing and don't make a habit out of wasting their life.

Someone came over today to look at the Camry I've got for sale. I was a little on guard because I'd put an ad on craigslist and people have been setup and hurt doing that. It went ok though. I got a deposit and am going to hold the car until the balance is paid tomorrow. They tried to haggle but I stood my ground and didn't lower it even a dollar. Progress maybe? So, I'll have enough to pay this month's mortgage payment and have some left over. The next payment will be due in about two weeks so I'll have to be tight with the money until then too.

I've requested to attend a free intro class to jujitsu tomorrow. I hope I have time to complete the car transaction and attend.

I sold the car yesterday. It gave me a much needed infusion of cash. Now I'll be able to pay the mortgage and have some left over. At least I can breathe a little easier now. Hopefully I can get some momentum now and some savings.

As an experiment I'm going to view the world with abundance. I've been living in denial for very long. Denying what I looked and sounded like and wishing to be something else. Setting up an artificial time limit on what my life should look like. I've had an uneasy feeling when I sit down to write. I think it's because I talk about doing things but the follow through isn't always there. I mentioned to Staci today that I was thinking about going to the party in the park and inferring that I'd was seeing if she wanted to go. She didn't say yes or no just mentioned that she'd never heard of the band that was playing. If you never ask you can never be rejected right? Instead I fell asleep on the couch which might have been the best thing. I've been really tired lately and it seems to be focused on my lower body. Whenever I have to bend over to pick something up it takes a lot of effort. Older age maybe but I think it's because I don't get enough proper rest. Maybe the old me is dying. I don't know much about death even though I've wished for it many times. It might not be a bad thing. For instance why would I want to spend time around people that are toxic for me? Looking for approval that I'll never get. Hearing the voices of shame and condemnation in my head. Thinking I should be doing something else with my life. Treating myself the way I would never treat anyone else.

I was driving to the pool supply store today to get a new pool filter valve. On the way there I drove past a pool filter someone had set out on the curb. I turned around to get it and the person who put it out was just getting out of a car. She said she didn't know why it wasn't working but it was mine to take. I made the attempt to give credit to Providence for this. It would have saved me the  money I would have to spend for the new valve. It almost gave me a ray of hope that god might actually care about me and something so trivial. That I needed to replace the pool filter valve and he knew I didn't have a lot of extra money to spend. I brought it home and it didn't fit my existing pool filter. I've considered using the whole filter that I picked up but the lady said it didn't work. I guess the most I'll be out is paying for the sand I'll need to fill it. So I thought if it was serendipity wouldn't the valve have fit my existing filter?

Another possible serendipitous moment happened yesterday. I was at work and someone came in looking for fans. He looked familiar. As he was leaving he said my name and said "hey it's person's name." I had looked on facebook not too long before looking for him and wondering if he had posted anything new. I didn't want to catch up and see how he was doing. I wanted to see how getting older had affected him. I did this because he was one of the more popular kids and school and I've been feeling inadequate as I get older. He'd put on weight and was balding.

My job is physically demanding. It is for me anyway. I have to stand for about eight hours a day. I think to myself that I should get another office job where I can sit at a desk. That is its own special kind of hell though. It's not physically demanding but it is more mentally demanding. Especially during the times when there is busy work to be done. Sitting at a desk and trying to think of something to do. Sure you could take care of some of the non essential tasks but that just leaves a drained feeling. Now with the new job I wish for those days sometimes. I fear I've tried too late to change. The years of abuse I've put my body through seem to be catching up. Not that I was ever a great physical specimen. And I've got plenty of resentment about that as well. I never really felt young and vibrant and I find myself wishing for those days. If there was a way to compare then and now I might be astonished at what was within my power to do then. I've settled into a kind of consistent funk. The time and effort it would take to get into some kind of good physical shape doesn't seem like it's worth it anymore. Then I think of the alternative. Just completely let myself go and fulfill that death wish I've always had. It's never gone away and I've just taken the long road to it instead of getting it done all at once.

I don't look forward to much these days. I talk about moving to another city. Thinking the change will bring some spark back into my life. And then I think about how hard it will be to uproot and move. I did it before when I was a younger man. Being naive probably helped me then. Now I mostly see the possible bad things that could happen. Securing a new home and place to work in an expensive city doesn't sound like an easy task. But then I think, people live there now even if they have to struggle. I think about the benefits to moving. Doing things I did there before but now having a purpose. A purpose to really enjoy and live them.

This writing is difficult.

Why would shame and self doubt increase as the effort to escape increases?

You're afraid of sticking your neck out again.

A lot of my writing is like my thinking. Herky jerky. My life is like that too. No real flow. I start a job and get distracted by another job.

I'm really hungover today. I've been repressing the grief and I've been self medicating with alcohol.

Is there any hope for me?  I guess that's the question I'm really trying to answer.

Could it be that nobody did anything wrong and I'm just trying to create reasons for why my life is not what I want?

Remember I don't have to be the most attractive just the most attractive there.

Random limiting belief - hot girls don't like guys who are depressed. Therefore, hot girls don't like me because I'm depressed and it looks like I have no self confidence.

Writers write and fighters fight. Am I both? Do I want to be both? Can I tell the people I love what I think about them? When you are weak and love is all you have to give....

I gave my love because I thought that was all I had to give.

I drink. I drink a lot. I know it has put me at a disadvantage.

I would like to become a good writer. I've read someplace that some of the greatest works were written to a third or fourth grade level. I've set my sights too high but that was just my ego talking. I wanted to say great words with great impact. But it's like a retard trying to explain the theory of relativity.

It always felt like a fakery. I've tried to use my intelligence as a cover. But I realized I’m a stupid stupid man.

I thought that showing my weakness would make me strong. But it only made me think that other people saw me as weak.

Like Brian Tracy: “Write 3 things that are the most important to you. If you don’t know what, write: MONEY MONEY MONEY”

So I've resolved not to drink on nights I have to be at work the next day. I've also resolved to find a support group or see a therapist. I'm not even sure what kind of group or what kind of therapist I should seek out. I just need someone to help me sort out and organize my thoughts. Get some kind of life plan going. All my attempts thus far have not created the results I want. I'm in a tight financial situation. Not dire but definitely uncomfortable and I spend a good deal of the day thinking about it. I spend too much money on drink. I don't make a lot in the first place and I'm always going into the red. As I previously said I have a debt free date of roughly two years from now. I think that was with conservative figures. If I really tried I could probably be out in one. I haven't had a drink in a couple days and I definitely feel clearer. From what I've heard it can take up to a year for the effects to really wear off. Your mind can fool you into thinking you're sober. I never really considered myself an alcoholic but I've definitely drank to excess for a long time. I might be in denial but I'll suspend judgement on that. I don't crave drinking it's just when I go out I figure there's no point in just having a couple. It's kind of a twisted logic. Alcohol gets you drunk so why would you dabble?

So, maybe I'll just keep this writing as a hobby. Most of it is mundane and I don't really think the label "good" applies to it since I'm just writing about my life and what I think. Would it be "good" if I used more metaphors or imagery to describe what I'm thinking? Is it something to be valued or is it just a means to an end? Will I drop it when I feel I've arrived wherever it is i'm going? 

I think what I crave most when I go out is some sort of connection. That's ironic because I usually don't really want to be around the people that are there. I'm an elitist and most conversations bore me. But I usually never come up with an interesting topic either. As I read back over what I write it's not too bad. I know I need to leave that judgement out if I'm just journaling because there is no goal in journaling. Maybe there should be but for not there isn't. I don't have to worry about making everything sound good.

I laid down to sleep last night and listened to the audio version of No more Mr. Nice Guy. I had a pitcher of beer so I failed on my resolve to not drink on nights before work. It happens. What struck me was the absolute rage I felt upon waking. I don't know about the whole subliminal message thing if that's what you'd call it but I was listening as I was sleeping. Maybe it finally unleashed everything I'd been repressing. Maybe I finally admitted I was a "Nice Guy." And to realize what shame that carries with it. Just so many things clicked and I don't think it's like one of those horoscope things where they are written so vague you can trick yourself into believing it applies to you. Maybe the rage came from being lied to and being subconsciously trained to act a certain way to not rock the boat and please people. To do anything to not feel uncomfortable. It was similar to that same old feeling of humiliation and thinking everyone could see just what a fool you were. How could you be so stupid to believe such a thing and base your life on it?

All the tumblers seemed to fall into place and I finally had something that explained to me why I acted in certain ways. It's hard not to be resentful. It's hard not to think that women are vicious cunts for going along with such a thing. At least I understand it a little better now. And there will be people who will mock you in your calamity. Quite honestly some of the things were very disturbing. It's almost like admitting you are a rapist or a pedophile. But you have to remember that these things were programmed into you at a subconscious level. Just like the This is water speech. An old fish sees two young fish and says "how's the water?" The young fish look at each other and say "what the hell is water?" You can call it the Matrix. I'm sure it's been called many other names. Not sure if Maya applies as that means Illusion but it might fit. So now that I know I've been living in water I can learn how to navigate it. 

I left off a couple days ago because I felt there was no point in writing about the obvious. It was a perfect storm of negligent/feminized upbringing and lack of testosterone that's put me here. I feel like I'm becoming more defined as a human being. I didn't identify with every single characteristic in the book but enough of them hit home to give me some direction. Now that I've got some kind of diagnosis it's time to find the cure. I always had a feeling my mental illness was rooted in lack of testosterone but now I've learned that the underlying script contributed to it also. Things that were in the book are things I've even said before. Basically I learned that it was NOT OK to be me or to be male.

So like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Now that I have some idea where I am I have to decide where to go. Things probably won't change much unless I start taking some hormone supplements or something like that. I can go into therapy to help me deal with the emotional side of things. I'm going to have to learn to deal with all the wasted time and to find the motivation to actually do it.

Right now I'm just killing time until my next paycheck. Most of it is going to be swallowed up by utilities. They've all been past due for months and I can't delay anymore before they get cut off. That's going to keep me in a hole because the first payment of my mortgage agreement is due on the 1st. I won't have the money. What I can hope for is that G follows up and moves in and pays me rent. And even then I'll have to wait until my next paycheck to send in the mortgage payment. Hopefully that will be ok. The paperwork is a little vague. As long as I make the payment in the month I think I'll be ok. I can't worry about it anyway and until I come up with a better idea that is how it will have to be. I know it's my responsibility but I've just come to realize some of the underlying paradigm in my life that's been causing me to do things the way I do. And like I said I can't rely on a hero to come and save me. In a way he already has maybe. Teach a man how to fish... Now that I understand some of the things that have directed my life I just have to go about fixing them. Or at least acknowledging them. I don't necessarily think that I can fix them but at I can be aware and do what I can to stop myself from doing them in the future.

What was my motivation behind selling my truck to that guy who I knew would not make the payments? Why did I let Marcus not pay me any money for the Corvette? These are just two examples but why was I that terrified of confrontation to let money go that was rightfully owed to me? I'm sure there are other cases not involving money. I let the situation with my sister happen because I was afraid to bring it up and have her contribute her fair share. What caused me to be so afraid of conflict?

I wonder how my genes even managed to get passed down. I have no desire to pass on mine. Whether it's from seeing my parents or simply having no desire the line will seem to end with me

What is Greatness?

What is this greatness or mastery that I'm pursuing? I need to define it at least somewhat because if I don't then I won't know when I have it. It will be an ever changing target.

I've been thinking about this all day. I was sitting in the parking lot of Walmart and was wondering if I should document those kind of things just to get perspective. I'd just left the auto parts store and had picked up some drive thru fast food. I sat in the Walmart parking lot eating and thought about these things. For lack of a better term it seemed like a very redneck thing to do. Or at least a lower middle class thing to do. I'd just left the auto parts store, picked up some McDonald's and was eating it in the parking lot of Walmart. Actually it's not even lower middle class. I did some searching and my station in life right now is working class. There are a few differences - mainly just education - but my income puts me in the working class bracket. So, the question is, how do I go from working class to greatness and mastery? First thing to do probably is to pick something to be great at. Like the video I watched about Arnold Schwarzenegger when he said he wanted to find something he could be the best at. He'd tried a few things and then found bodybuilding and decided he could be great. What am I going to choose. And why do I want it?

There are things I learned to believe about myself over the years. These are things I will need to overcome if I'm to make any progress. There are many branches but the root issue is how I value myself. Or more likely how I don't value myself and how I thing others' don't value me. Just as an experiemnet I'll rate myself on various roles and categories.

As a mate/relationship

As a worker/employee

As a friend

Physicality/attractiveness

Intelligence

Common sense

Risk taking

Never say never but I'll say never. I'll put it this way. I feel like I'll never get the golden ticket. Some brilliant idea isn't going to jump into my head and give me the focus on what to do with my life. At my age I shouldn't still be going through this. That's assuming there is a timeline that I'm supposed to follow. If I just ramble on and don't take the time to thing anything I create won't be as good as it could be. But I could also become frozen and over analyze things. I've had to give up just about everything I really wanted in life. I didn't do it willingly. You can say it's all my fault but I didn't know how to stop it. Now I'm in my fourth decade of life and can't find a place to focus my attention. If I could just get rid of these feelings of inadequacy. I keep thinking that anything I decide to do that has any importance is going to take more effort and resources that I just don't have. Now that my mind has seemingly caught up and given me the will to go on the body starts to fail. Getting in peak physical condition is going to be difficult when trying to do so makes aches and pains that linger. One of the only reasons I want to do that is I think it may alleviate some of the negative self image I have. I hate mirrors. Always have. Could never stand what I see. And no matter what I did I could never change my body. Working out. Eating right. Always brought mediocre results. Now it seems my body has stopped responding at all.

as i was driving to work today i didn't feel like i was in control anymore. i can't tell anymore if i can actually have an effect on my own behavior. the more i rail against my seeming inability to change into what i want the more demoralized it makes me. i don't want to accept my fate. i had resolved to quit drinking on nights i had to go to work the next day. i've been unable to do that. once the day is over and i'm sitting at home alone i don't feel like there are many choices. i can watch tv or use the internet or even read a book. but they all seem empty and hollow. so i go out and am surrounded by people that i have no real interest in. in reality i do it on the off chance that i might meet a chick to sleep with. i've tried having higher purposes than these but that's what it always seems to come down to. my success rate with this strategy is very low. to give it a number i'd say 1%. there are several reasons for this. in the first place i don't believe that anyone would be interested in getting to know me or to sleep with me. to put it simply i don't think women find me attractive. that prevents me from even taking the initiative to talk to them. to prevent the rejection that i think will eventually come. i've tried positive thinking. it doesn't seem to help. once i'm out i fall into the same familiar behavior. it probably doesn't help that i believe people are irrational and unpredictable and i can never be sure what is going to happen. it puts me on edge and i can't really relax. i basically just turn myself numb in case anything violent or extreme happens.

i read manosphere blogs and most of the advice boils down to "don't wish it were easier, wish you were better." This enforced optimism carries a hidden payload. If you are not succeeding you have no one to blame but yourself. If you can't pull yourself up by your own bootstraps it is all your fault.