Fuck that bitch called Fate

The writing has become about the exercise now. Time to collect all the notes I've written down in various places.

There is always another tribe to join.

If there was a fighter in him he would have to decide for himself.

He needed a mission, a purpose. He couldn't function in the real world with real challenges. He fancied himself an intellectual but was just a dumb hillbilly. He wondered if other people felt as stupid as he did when he talked. He could never get around to making a point. He was embarrassed to show people how really empty he was inside. He thought he was basically just animated flesh.

“You are a little soul carrying about a corpse, as Epictetus used to say.” 

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

It was relatively easy to become physically strong what he was working on now was becoming mentally strong. He could always build his body but if his mind couldn't take it anymore he was simply wasting his time. It was mental weakness that had caused his problems in the first place. They may not have been his fault but it was up to him now to take charge and heal himself. He'd always tried to hide his pain for all kinds of reasons. Mainly because he felt responsible for all of it. He could never tell where his responsibility ended so he just took all of it. So the circumstances of his life was his mirror and from that picture he just assumed he was no damn good. Now that he had turned on the faucet it all came flooding out and there was no order at all to it. He feared revealing too much but it wasn't his problem anymore. He knew there might be hell to pay but it was better than going back. 

With every step he got closer. The problem was he had to face every ugly part of himself. If you had the chance to know the truth would you take it? Even knowing that you might not make it back and not knowing what would happen? He didn't know which horse was winning. Was he going mad or was it just a tunnel to the light?

What is intelligence ? Is it knowing a lot of facts? Does smart mean winning jeopardy? Was the middle east still a thing? In a way he felt he was creating his own madness. Any intelligence he had had only been borrowed. If you asked him to come up with an original idea or to make an argument for something he couldn't do it. He could probably tell you something he'd heard about it from somebody else but he wasn't sure if he even had an opinion of his own.

You wanted to destroy something beautiful. That's some red pill stuff. Women just have a desire to tear you down. 

Remember when the Indian biker said you were good people.

It is more important to be good than to be right.

A man has to have his own idea of heaven. Something to strive for. He must have his private training and his public training.

Sometimes we don't pick the reasons the reasons pick us.

I'm looking for the right combination of beauty and power. 

The cliche was those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it.

I have to believe that being naked is worth it.

You know what you have to do. Do it. Do it. Thought attracts that on which it is directed.

The songs have all been written, the words have all been sung. I hang on to you in memories. 

Extract the best from yourself. 

So how long am I going to punish myself? It was only a failure if it was a competition. My mind is trying to compensate for what I perceive as the diminishing amount of time and the fact that I can't deal with the reality of what happened.  I estimate I don't follow through on 80-90% of the ideas and plans I have. 

I am successful in everything I do

If I know what I don't want use that to define what I want.

Boundless energy. Time to read and study to learn new things. Physical fitness. Financial abundance. Orderly life. 

Don't fear small beginnings. Make them want what you have.  Don't be a bottom feeder. I am not afraid to die for my beliefs. I believe I will go deeper than anyone ever has. A live dog is better than a dead lion.  Remember, it is all a mental game. 

Use what you can. Discard the rest. 

You have to believe you are in hell if you want to change your life. Anything less will make you complacent. 

I've been acting my whole life. Never really had any identity of my own so I just made one up. Feeling definitely not a saint. 

Hieu quang. Recitation of Buddha.

The overarching theme of my writing will be can a man choose his fate?

Maybe the search for alien intelligence comes from the fact that we might be all there is and that thought is terrifying because of how fucked up we can be as a human species.

Money is my slave not my master.

I was thinking today about the day I bought the intruder and how much has changed since that day. What was my frame of mind and what was I thinking?

You're trying to see the view from the mountain top but you're stuck in the valley and you can't find a path up the hill. When they say that like the difference between night and day they are right. Being alpha is like being able to tell the future. You lead and don't follow.  Strength is born in adversity.

To strip away everything pleasurable and get to the very simplest necessities.

He had recurring dreams about being in high school again but he was his current age. For some reason he had to repeat high school the last night when he dreamed you said I'm a senior.

It sounded so hipsterish mentioning the books he'd read and how that made him so smart. There wasn't any way of getting around it though so it would have to do until he found a better way. He'd wished there was a way to expunge things from your record. He'd built an image of himself. It had been built on pain and rejection. He knew there were  many dark paths he could go down. But they were all silly. It was just something to make them important. They just couldn't stand being invisible. Not many people could stand being invisible or unimportant. Once somebody knows who you are you can never say that wasn't me. He didn't believe in ideologies. Once you picked one you were tied down. 

A good reputation us like fine silver. Choose wisely.

"Not caring is a valuable reputation to have but be wary of neglecting your reputation. If you don’t care how others perceive you they will simply create a reputation for you. Remember reputation is like a treasure, value and protect it at all costs"

No matter how good the sex is if they treat you like shit they are not worth your time

Add financial pillar and combine mental/emotional pillar. 

Even if you think depression is a choice there is obviously something wrong with that way of thinking. What organism voluntarily kills itself?  You would think the years would remove the pain. Some days it's as fresh as ever.

Fuck that bitch called fate. Six month break from sex thoughts. Yeah It's shit but It's all I've got right now. Meditate/write two hours a day.

Journal Feb 18th, 2015

I've read that using pen and paper to journal has a more significant effect but I'm going to forgo it this time because sometimes writing by hand is too slow and I miss some things. Someone I've been dating got upset on V day because they planned a surprise and I wasn't available. She accused me of not having feelings for her. It's more complicated than that but I probably don't have the feelings she's talking about. I felt bad because I'm just doing to her what was done to me and so on and so on.

You love her but she loves him.
And he loves somebody else you just can't win.
And so it goes till the day you die.
This thing they call love it's gonna make you cry.

I started the new job last week. It will do. Things aren't getting better. Saw myself on the video monitors at work. Just disgusting. Millenia from now will these words still exist? The Old Book says "Say not thou, What is the cause that the former days were better than these? for thou dost not enquire wisely concerning this."

It's funny that she said "I don't have a chance with all the hot chicks hitting on you." I had to laugh at that. It's not even close to being true.

I hate thinking of all the foolish things I've done. I carry that weight around all the time and the memories invade my mind. Listening to sermons just adds to the guilt. You should do this and be this. I think of all the people I've left and wishing I could tell them how I feel.

If I said I was living Plan B it probably wouldn't be true because I never really had a Plan A. By the time I get it right - if I ever do - will it be worth it? I can't even seem to do the things I want to do. I'll just attempt to do one thing at a time. First thing I'll do is pay off all my unsecured debt. It's a few thousand and I can do it in a few months. I've heard it's a great feeling to be debt free. Maybe. If I'm not happy otherwise will it make a difference? The only thing it will change is the fact that I won't have to work as much. Not that I work much now but maybe having one less thing might make it better. Monk mode I've heard it called. By the time I get everything right the opportunities might be gone. I drift around thinking about some girl I want to contact or some such nonsense. I stop myself because it will just be like the current thing. She might get attached and I'll have to slowly pull away. Or thinking about the ones that I really wanted and knowing I'll never have them. Is this seriously all that life is?

Be grateful for what you have I've heard them say. I feel guilty even about this. I don't really believe God wants me to be happy. Or at the very least that my happiness isn't important. The pursuit of happiness is even in the constitution but that doesn't mean it's approved by God. Why do I have these thoughts?

My first instinct was to feel bad about myself because she was disappointed. The cognitive dissonance that occurred from resisting that was stressful.

Journal Feb 16th, 2015

The only way to conquer it was to go through it. It had become an online confessional. Every bad thought and bad action was being exposed. If he revealed everything he would have no where to hide. He wouldn't try to deny it any more. The wolf you feed will be the one that grows. The thought occurred to him that he was only pointing out the obvious.

He got a call the other day from the employer who had offered him a job. He got worried that they were going to rescind the offer because of either a failed drug test or a mark on his record from the background check. He braced himself for the call back. He called and the hiring manager was off that day. He called back the next day and he was in a meeting. He left a message but didn't get a call back. He called a couple hours later and finally reached him. When he answered the phone he asked me if he had offered me a job. He'd forgotten after doing several interview I thought. I said yes you offered me a job and I was supposed to start Monday. He asked if I could come in Saturday instead. I said yes. All that worry over nothing. But it taught me a lesson. You should always have Plan B. Maybe that wasn't a good way to put it. You should always be able to adapt when things don't go as planned. Have several options. Diversify as it were.

why are you doing this? it's not even real. you just want people to feel sorry for you. and what if he did get over it? would that mean that he had just made it all up? was everything they said true? was he just looking for attention and this was the only way he knew how to get it?

Equal parts force of will and equal parts of letting go. He is going to expose every one of those negative thoughts in his head. They wouldn't be allowed to hide. It wasn't so he could feel bad about himself or to get pity. It was to crush those thoughts. Slay them like dragons. They were not welcome any more in his mind. He was tired from drinking the night before and staying up late to write. Sleep hadn't been restful so he was feeling it now.

One by one he would eliminate them. He wouldn't deny what he felt anymore. He'd changed in a way that he didn't necessarily like. He wanted more and he was going to stop apologizing for it. The only way to change what he didn't like was to embrace it and assimilate it. Swallow it whole and spit it out. He would simply dilute it until it no longer existed. He would embrace his masculine energy and gain his manhood. Or regain it if he ever had it. No more shame from Mother.

He'd helped a girl while at work today. She was kind of cute. He'd checked out her ass and thought to himself yeah I'd like to sleep with her.

Journal Feb 6th, 2015

I'm a fat disgusting pig. I don't even really eat that much. Probably under 3000 calories a day. My metabolism sucks. My mood is usually mild to severe depression. I've spent the past few days getting my affairs in order. I managed to get a new job and I've been working out every day for about the past week. I'm accepting more responsibility for my choices and have also acknowledged some things aren't my fault. I've accepted my depression not as an identity but just something that I need to manage. Trying to act like it wasn't there was not helping me to heal. I'm feeling a little sickly today. Went out drinking last night but I accept responsibility for that too. It's neither good nor bad but I can predict what will happen if I do so I go into it knowing what will follow.

Journal Feb 5th, 2015

every time i sit down to write a voice in my head tells me this is a stupid endeavor. it's very hard to create something of value when almost every minute of the day the critic in my head takes every opportunity to shoot everything down.

the hidden world of the subconscious

i just had a frightening experience. it was like the scene in american werewolf in london. one minute i'm sitting here and the next this paralyzing fear overtook me and it was like the door to my subconscious had opened while i was awake. maybe like pandora's box but fragments of dreams that i've had started popping into my conscious mind. it could be compared to your life flashing before your eyes before you die. Things i'd forgot i'd forgotten. scary things. i actually screamed out just like david naughton's character in the movie.

i've been forcing myself to listen to christian radio stations. what is that thing called that happens to you when you can't accept reality? i'm not talking about denial. it's a horrific existence. i wonder why i haven't been killed yet. i'm no more worthy than any other human being but some of them die horrible deaths.

he was getting scared now. he felt like one of those characters on a tv show that always felt misunderstood and the cops would just look at with scorn. he couldn't be turning into one of those people. that would just be too terrifying. The sane people of the world don't know how good they've got it. insanity is horrible and knowing you are insane carries a burden that most people can't fathom.