Is this a dagger which I see before me, The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.

upon waking today i was immediately flooded with thoughts of self doubt. i watch the motivation videos and i believe for a second and then the voice comes in. they are beautiful, they are talented, they had all the breaks. who are you kidding? you are destined to work your menial job until the day you die. it's hard to keep an upbeat attitude when my mind constantly reminds me of my failures. where i came from, who my parents were, etc, etc, etc. combine this with the fact that i have no burning passion to do anything. the only thing that ever comes to mind is selling all my belongings and being debt free and then... what after that? what if i did move to San Diego? transferred to another store there. it's more expensive there. what would i do when i got there? repeat the same pattern i do here? work and get drunk? is that what i want to do? hang out at the bars and try to pick up whatever i can get?

There was an attractive woman at work today. As i imagined talking to her it occurred to me that the very fact of chasing makes you lose. what i mean is it's ok to show interest and approach but if someone isn't interested it's not worth it to distract from your mission for a woman. You have to learn to take the loss. no matter what. if i'm successful and she wants to come along for the ride that's great. but you have to get over the slaying dragons mindset to get the girl. maybe it worked in the past but no more.

and what about the four pillars? am i going to ever write anything for that again? does it make sense to bare myself to the whole world?

Does it bother you years after the fact that those words you spoke haunts the man you spoke them about? The man who loved you? ?Does it make you feel anything? Or were you too busy being a selfish cunt?

I suppose I have an aversion to putting words down on paper. Even if it is virtual paper. Because once those words come out and appear in black and white they can never be taken back.  But maybe everything isn't life and death. How are we to decide? On the one hand we risk taking everything too seriously and on the other not enough. It’s funny I’m so hard on myself for not taking things seriously enough when that is all I ever do. Every decision and the fate of the world hangs in the balance. It’s an overreaction to being carefree. It didn't work out so I feel I have to examine every little fucking decision. I’m angry about that too. Feeling like I never got the benefit of the doubt and every misstep is going to lead to ruin. And to whoever is responsible. Fuck You. Whoever put that idea in my head. Wasting so much time on worry.

I had a dream last night about fucking a dark haired chick and she’d invited another raven haired girl into bed. I felt like it was a trap and if I showed interest in the other girl she would have disapproved. Thinking about it now what was I really afraid of? Being set up? Someone lays a trap for you and you have to take it?

What are the advantages of having melancholy? What are the disadvantages?

To take your life seriously and joyfully at the same time. How?

As a question to ponder. Does my attitude prevent women from messaging me on the dating sites. Or is it just that they don’t message many people at all? Something interesting to think about. 

it is a gross and horrible business. no one wants anything to do with you. you wish you could change it. who would want a corpse as their companion? especially if you are young and vibrant.

Musings

I have serious doubts I can handle this red pill game. Did gbfm have it right? Is there any way to combine red pill and scripture? The stumbling block is my Romantic side. I want to believe one will love me unconditionally. It runs through my head. If I had only.... The Savior Schema – the male expectation of reciprocation of intimacy (usually sexual) for problems solved. Flip it around. Sex first then performance. The “treatment,” in those cases, has the same goal, the cessation of pain. Whether by avoiding it outright and seeking pleasure or glorifying the lack of any Emotional response, the person can longer tolerate negative stimuli. The constant is that the reality outside of the person no longer has any place in their World view except as something to be avoided. No matter who doesn't want you there is always someone out there who does. It's not hard to figure out why there is so much fantasy in the world. Who really has it good? Of course it's my own experience but it doesn't take much of a Look around to see there is plenty of misery to go around. I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you leave them. When I think about the past I have feelings about it but don't know what They are. I guess every situation is different but an event came to mind. Last time I was visiting San Diego I was supposed to meet up with an attractive Blond chick that I’d met on Myspace. I bought some new clothes which actually didn't fit very well. Pants were too tight and so was the shirt. I don't think I had nice shoes. I was staying in a hotel room that I couldn’t' afford and that was also when bev wrote a check for cable from my checking account and left Me with no money. I actually ended up sleeping in an alley one night. No fucking plan whatsoever. Daniel complained I smoked all his cigarettes. How did I Even make it out there? So I go to meet the chick after changing at the hotel and she kept being vague in her texts. We had agreed to meet at a certain spot but then she kept being Evasive. Finally she said she was out with some guy. I said to her why she didn’t just say that instead of having me run around trying to find her. I think me Actually saw her at the last place I went. Her response was I didn't have a right to be mad because I hadn't lost anything. I was taken aback at the Bluntness of it. I don't think I’d ever quite experienced something like that. I didn't really know how to feel about it. Getting mad wouldn't do anything. I’m still puzzled by it. I guess that's how things are in the big city. This was a few years ago too and the world has only seemed to get more coarse. I Should ask for opinions about it. You’ll just end up alone! The voices shouted to him. He'd remembered everything. They all kept telling him to forget the ones he'd loved. They’d forgotten Him so turnabout was fair play right? He didn't know how to deal with the people who had forgotten him. And the ones whom he had forgotten. What would you do if you didn't need anybody? He felt affection for all these people. But something didn't add up. It was true. Words were cheap. He’d tried To give currency to his words. That they meant something. To say he'd meant it at the time was a cheapening of them. He meant it but didn't know how to show It. when too many dollars are created it cheapens their value. He had fever blisters on his lips. It was because he had to sell himself to the story. He had an aborted child. It didn't make him feel sad, it was just a fact of life. Remember the dark haired girl you asked out in the jewelry store? You were wearing a t-shirt with a vertical American flag with you silver cross hanging Around your neck. Your arms were pumped and full of vigor. She was dark and I don't even remember if you actually went out. Years later. He smoked his American Spirits. Light blue pack. You might call them teal. It all only existed as a story in his head. With every word poured Out it was just an attempt to make people listen. He'd listened to so many peoples stories. He’d heard them all and lived them all. Once that happens what do You do? Resign yourself to the cycle? Anything to be interesting! But if the stories had all been told what could he add? When we are young most of us wish and fantasize about growing up. We want to be adults because it seems so mesmerizing. Wanting to know what death feels like Is a similar experience. For a lot of us though the reality of being an adult has not lived up to our expectations. The reasons for this are many and too Numerous for me to even begin to unravel. What if death is the same? We want something before we know what it entails. Maybe adult lives that are not lived To the fullest are not the mean. That is to say, perhaps as children we see and know the potential of adulthood but for whatever reason it is not fulfilled. That does not mean it is not true. Because remember, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom Of heaven." On the face of it, it seems ridiculous. Why are we born and grow into adulthood if the point is to remain children?

Journal 3/17/2015

Date: 3/17/2015
The Big Events of the Day: 

• Went to the urgent care to get drug tested and physical for delivery job.
• Bought some groceries to make chili.
• It's St. Patrick's Day.

The Goblins in my Head:

• The whole day was about work. Started at 5:30am and worked til 2:30pm. Took a nap when I got home and dreamt about stocking shelves at work. Got up and went to get the drug test.
• Sent documents to EBT and put the woman's purse I found into a mailbox to have it sent back to her.
• Foreclosure is looming over my head.
• Taxes are coming up.

Plan of action:

• Get adequate rest so I'm not tired at work.
• Follow up with driver training so I can make more money.

Thought of the Day: "Be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." 

During my dream when I was taking a nap after work I also dreamt about living in San Diego and apparently living with roommates. I think they were women. I wanted to go to Cass St. bar and grill and maybe Lahaina's. They thought I was foolish for wanting to drive drunk. I wasn't drunk I was just in that state of mind in dreams when you are really tired and it seems the same. I also apparently had entered a woman's body. I looked in the mirror and saw a woman looking back at me. I was blonde and attractive. I wondered to myself if people would treat me different. It also occurred to me that I was projecting the image of a woman and if I didn't keep up the mental energy my real self would show. I guess it was my way of telling myself that I am jealous of the attention women get if they are attractive. I'd like to know how that feels.

Saw a woman at the grocery store and got distracted. I couldn't get a good look at her face but even in her sweatpants and shirt I was attracted to her. Her body wasn't tight and firm but the way she moved my hind-brain told me she'd probably be a good fuck. Now if I can someday build up the nerve to talk to some real life women again maybe I won't just have to fantasize about them. 

It bothered me today that the whole day was about work. Other than cooking and shopping I really didn't have any time to myself. I don't know why I'm dreaming about work. It's happened a few times recently. I don't hate my job. In fact it's pretty easy as long as I get enough sleep. I don't like getting up at 4:30 in the morning however. I don't want that to be what my whole life is about. Working so I can simply keep working and existing. 

I thought about getting a tattoo. Maybe on my left forearm with the words "Be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." Wise council. It is easy to be too naive but you also do not want to be evil.

Anti-Valentine's Day Playlist

You love her but she loves him
And he loves somebody else you just can't win
And so it goes till the day you die
This thing they call love it's gonna make you cry

   

Journal March 3, 2015

If the only point of the story is to tell you how stupid you are what is the point of that? We
All know how stupid we are. To drill it into our heads again and again serves no purpose.

So I dreamt about L. How pathetic am I? Must the world continue to tell me this? I had a dream of being with my beautiful lover. Ha-ha joke's on you mother fucker.

"In its simplicity this speaks volumes about the condition of Men. It accurately
Expresses a pervasive nihilism that Men must either confront and accept, or be driven insane
In denial for the rest of their lives when they fail to come to terms with the
Disillusionment.

Women are incapable of loving men in a way that a man idealizes is possible, in a way he
Thinks she should be capable of."

First rule: make them feel good.
Questions to ask. Sounds like a covert contract. Trap of the nice guy. Why did she leave? Did
I not make her feel good or did she simply find a better offer? If she found a better offer
Does that mean I am less of a man? My mind tells me yes.

Why do I hesitate to talk to beautiful women? Because they are used to men fawning over them.
We’ll stick with logic for a bit.

Next question. Where does my unhappiness stem from?

I still have to continue to practice. If I am to become a great writer it is necessary. I can't remember the first time I said "if other people don't compliment you, compliment yourself."

Don’t deal with fucking psychos. Had drinks with Amy and she flipped out when I said having a tattoo saying serenity was gay.

I overhear conversations. Yoli cuts people down if they aren't in the cool clique. High school shit. But we all still do it.

Saying you want to be great is embarrassing. I act like I’m so above other people and it's just because I want what they have. I have no shame in saying it right now because I’ve turned off the emotions for a bit and am simply writing from a logical point of view.

How many drunk texts have I sent over the years? How many have I received? It tells a story. Always the one looking outside for validation. Yeah it's embarrassing. Plenty of haters will jump on it. The modern vernacular is so.....simple.

A curse on both your houses!